


Sink or Swim

by Gnomey2001



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Blow Jobs, Coming Out, Death Eaters, Eventual Romance, Heavy Drinking, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Instability, Nightmares, POV Experimental, POV Harry Potter, Post-Deathly Hallows, Recreational Drug Use, Smut, The Deathly Hallows
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 21:41:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,166
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11044902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gnomey2001/pseuds/Gnomey2001
Summary: During the battle for Hogwarts, Harry finds a way to save Snape and doesn’t stop his rescue there. When Harry moves to Salem to pursue a peaceful life and tempts Snape to join him, who really ends up being the saviour? Written in first person, as Harry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is kind of an experiment with first person POV, it might suck, cos nobody seems to write these or read them. So I kind of need people's opinions on whether I should just scrap the idea and write it like a normal person or whether I should keep going. Please comment, be as harsh as you like.

**Disclaimer: The characters are all the property of JK Rowling, writing in italic are direct quotes from TDH.**

 

How did it go? how did it fucking go? I tried, furiously, to think back to that day in the bathroom, Malfoy lying at the end of my wand, blood draining from his chest, blood that I had put there…. I was struck dumb, useless, but Snape was there, he was always there, shoving past in an impressive swirl of robes he’d leant over Malfoy, saved him… he always knew what to do.

Fuck, think Potter. Then it slowly came to me, through the fug of panic, that deep melodic chant “Vulnera Sanentur, Vulnera Sanentur” that was it!

I knew it was too soon to pat myself on the back, though.

“Hermione, is that all the anti-venin?” Hermione finished pouring the clear, viscous liquid into the torn open throat of our ex-teacher and nodded urgently.

“Okay” I said shakily, it was all down to me now, I placed a tremulous hand onto the bleeding gash at the man’s throat, fingers splayed out on either side of the tear, then positioned my wand.

“Vulnera Sanentur…. Vulnera Sanentur…. Vulnera Sanentur”

I felt my awareness of the shack, of my friends and even the near corpse in front of me, fade away, my focus honing in on the scarlet rivers flowing from the open wound. I chanted on, pooling all of the magic I could through my wand, willing the crimson liquid to reverse its fall.

“Vulnera Sanentur… Vulnera Sanentur” vaguely I heard a sharp intake of breath, but I couldn’t look up to verify, from where. My eyes were stuck on where, tortuously slowly, the flow was stemmed and slowly, slowly, the blood reversed its path, sliding back up from the man’s clavicle back up his throat and into the gash below his ear.

“Vulnera Sanentur… Vulnera Sanentur” I sang one more time, afraid to stop too soon, afraid to believe my eyes, that I had done it, the man had stopped bleeding.

“Harry?” Hermione asked me softly, I knelt back away from the body and Hermione rushed in, feeling for a pulse and wrapping a spare robe around his form.

“Wow, Harry that was just wow” I looked up at Ron, he was smiling in what looked like awe and wonder, I shook off his praise. He didn’t know I only knew how to save Snape because I nearly killed Malfoy, that definitely didn’t deserve his admiration.

“Urrr, urrrgh, P… Pot..” I started, the man sounded awful, he was raspy and gargling alarmingly.

“Sir?” I questioned leaning forward again to see him in the dim light.

“Aah” I couldn’t help yelping as he grabbed the front of my T-shirt and yanked me forward, we were suddenly face to face. His hot, gasping breath on my skin, the sickening metallic smell of blood hitting my nostrils, but instead of recoiling as I would have, probably should have, I found myself mesmerised by his dark eyes. Even on the brink of death, this man had not lost his intensity.

“Potter” Snape rasped, sounding almost… desperate “listen… urgh… I have to tell you….” Snape’s grip was failing and he was falling back against the wall, Hermione rushed to support him.

“shush, don’t worry sir, just rest, it doesn’t matter” Hermione tried to sooth, but this seemed to spur Snape to keep talking.

“Potter, tonight”

I nodded at him, feeling dumb, what of tonight?

“You must destroy him tonight”

I nodded again, I had kind of figured as much but then, it wasn’t like Snape to point out the obvious.

“We have to kill that bloody snake first” Ron murmured.

Snape gave me a rueful grin at that, what did he know that we didn’t? fucking Dumbledore, I groused for not the first time this year.

“The snake yes… but that is not the only horcrux left”

“The diadem? we got that” Hermione informed, sounding wary, did she suspect something too? why am I always in the dark?

“No, no. Not a diadem. Harry… look at me” He called me Harry, this can’t be good. Cautiously I met the man’s intense eyes.

“The night your parents were killed, the night you thwarted the Dark Lord”

I continued to stare dumbly not really sure where this was going.

“The dark lord, inadvertently created another horcrux, when he split his soul to kill your… your mother” Snape swallowed, he must have been in a lot of pain, but his face remained determined.

“That fragment of soul, latched onto something, onto the only living thing it could find”.

But that would be, that would mean…. I felt a dawning sense of horror settling over me “oh Harry” Hermione sobbed, jumping up to throw her arms around me, I kept my eyes locked on Snape though.

“It’s me, isn’t it? I’m the horcrux” I heard Ron gasp whilst Snape closed his eyes and nodded in, what looked like, resignation. Hermione let go then and turned back to the prone man.

“So, Harry must, Harry must. Oh god, no” she cried and buried her face in my shoulder.

Feeling her sorrow and seeing the inexplicable sadness in Snape’s eyes, my earlier dread dried up. This was simple, I knew what to do now, the months and months of terror and uncertainty were finally at an end, I could end this, I actually had the power here. Let Voldemort kill me, and he would die too, let Voldemort kill me, and these people would be free. All of the people fighting and dying in the castle, for me, would be safe, it was really very simple.

I gave a short nod to Snape, “I understand” and made to pull myself up off my knees.

“No Harry, there must be another way” Hermione begged

“Harry, we won’t let you be killed, he went away once before, we can get rid of him again” Ron added urgently.

I smiled sadly at both of them, these two people had been my whole world since I was 11, and now, now I had to tell them goodbye and convince them to say it back?

“No, Ron, Hermione” they both turned pleading eyes on me, why was it, even when they had the answers, everyone looked to me. When I’m gone, who will they look to? Maybe without me, they won’t need to demand answers, maybe without me they’ll finally have a normal, peaceful life. That thought gave me hope, I wouldn’t be dying in vain, all the people that had suffered for this cause, they deserved to live in safety and peace and I could give them that.

I smiled again “this is the only way. You have to let me go”

“But……” Hermione trailed off, looking so young and scared

“Hermione, you should stay here with Snape, if anyone from either side sees him, he’s a dead man”

Hermione visibly gulped and her face set in determination “I will Harry”

“Ron, the snake, it needs to go”

“I’m on it”

“And I’ll, I’ll wait for my moment”.

Hermione crouched back down to check on Snape, who had his eyes closed and appeared to be dozing. Ron and I made to duck out of the shack. Goodbyes weren’t said, I was worried they were in denial and I found it too painful. If I made a big scene out of it, that might be all they remembered of me and I didn’t want that, I wanted them to remember happy times, the very few I’d had, always involved them and those were what I planned to take with me to the grave.

“H…. H’rry” Snape croaked, I turned back, he made a sorry sight.

“I want you to know, I… I’m not on his side, I’ve always tried to protect you and I’ve failed you now, I’m so sorry Harry, you are, you have done your mother proud”

Tears pricked at my eyes at his words, “thank you sir. I know, Dumbledore’s portrait told us. You’re a good man sir”.

I blinked back the threatening tears, Dumbledore had told us to trust Snape and I did, however the tears at the thought of never seeing the man again were inexplicable. I turned back to Ron gently shoving his shoulder to signal we should leave. I spared one last glimpse at Hermione, but really only saw that bushy haired, bright eyed 11-year-old, brimming with facts and social awkwardness.

At the whomping willow, Ron and I split up, he was all business now, he was going to make a great Auror. He went off to hunt a snake and I went off to hunt a snake-faced bastard. Just as I’d skirted round the castle wall, planning to make a break for a side door, a bodiless voice resonated over the grounds.

_“You have fought valiantly, but in vain. I do not wish this. Every drop of magical blood spilled is a terrible waste. I therefore command my forces to retreat. In their absence, dispose of your dead with dignity. Harry Potter, I now speak directly to you. On this night, you have allowed your friends to die for you, rather than face me yourself. There is no greater dishonour. Join me in the Forbidden Forest, and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal you from me_ ”.

The only words I took note of were the forbidden forest, I doubled back and headed out towards the blackness that was the woods. As I approached, I heard the great doors at the Hogwart’s entrance bang open, a great cacophony of noise preceded hoards and hoards of darkly robed figures, the death eater army thundered out of the castle. Well at least Riddle had held true on that. I ducked out of their line of sight, wishing to make my own way to my death, not to be, surely hexed silly, and dragged along the ground to meet my nemesis.

I made my way slowly through the trees, I wasn’t even sure which way I was heading, this definitely wasn’t a path I was on, but somehow the guiding hand of fate seemed to know where to push my trudging feet. There ahead, in the clearing there they were. His loyal followers encircling his Holy Wretchedness. I kept my slow steps steady, not wishing any to see me falter, I was ready, I was ready to end this. He looked up, finally noticing me, a sadistic grin on his terrible face. I closed my eyes, not wanting that to be the last thing I saw.

“ _Harry Potter, the Boy who Lived... come to die. Avada Kedavra_ ”

It was so quick, I barley blinked and then my world turned green. I’d say it was like falling but there was no sense of space to be falling through, no entity attached to my being to give weight to the fall, I had no body, I had no… nothing.

 

My world was swaying, that’s what I first realised, to and fro, back and forth I was rhythmically jolted up and down, almost as if…. I dared to blink one eye open, just for a second. Was that a beard? It must have been, that was one big beard. I tried to feel with my dangling body, what I was touching, my arms and legs were weightless, hanging in empty air, but my back and my side, were pressed against something solid, something solid and warm. The jolting abruptly stopped and I automatically froze, I could not draw attention to myself yet, playing dead was my best chance, until I could figure out if the snake was gone.

There was shouting, laughing, a lone voice sounding defiant, was that Neville? Oh no, not Neville, not after what happened to his parents not after how far he’s come. I blinked my eyes open, into slits and slowly rotated my neck, oh it was Neville. He looked so bloodied and exhausted standing up to that demon, it was only a matter of time before that defiant look was wiped from his face for good, I had to do something. Nagini! Damn she was still alive, slithering around the soiled robes of her master. With my attention on the snake, I missed the sight but did hear the metallic hiss of a sword being drawn, Neville! The boy was charging forward, sword of Gryffindor raised high, towards that mighty snake. I couldn’t take it anymore.

I twisted and flipped, flinging myself away from the person holding me, boy, I was a lot further up than I’d thought and stumbled a bit on landing. What happened next was all too quick to take in, there were gasps and cheers from the Hogwart’s side as I straightened from my crouch and ran over to them. Then, I looked around to see Neville and the snake circling each other, Neville valiantly swinging at the serpent as Nagini hissed and lunged attempting to strike. Voldemort was glancing around, as his ‘loyal’ supporters began to disapperate around him.

“Harry!”

Hermione ran towards me “you did it?”

I blinked in shock, I did, I must have, I was pretty sure I’d died, “yes Hermione, it’s done, it’s okay now”

“Oh” she looked close to tears again but then she gasped looking over my shoulder “Neville…”

I turned to see, Lord Voldemort was advancing on the boy who was currently facing down the snake. He stood no chance against both of them. This was it, I thought, I’ll have to stall Riddle until Neville can thwart that menace.

“Let’s end this”

I called out to those still defending the castle, I ran forward to intercept Voldemort and the others moved with me to engage the remaining death eaters. We met head on, once more, circling each other warily, I had never seen the dark lord so uncertain. I felt so angry, that this man had done this to us, had brought us all such misery, what right did he have to ruin our lives?

“Come to meet your end, once more, Potter?” he jeered

“It seems you are struggling with that, Riddle”

“It has only been accidents keeping you alive until now boy, this time, one on one, power against luck, there will be no more accidents to save you”

“An accident that my Mother’s love saved me and destroyed you, an accident when I escaped you time and time again, an accident that you sent a killing curse my way a few hours ago and yet here I stand?” Is he really so delusional as to believe that?

“Yes, well there were always those willing to throw themselves in front of you to save you, and you, only too happy to let them. Not now, who’s going to die for you now?” He spread his arms wide and shot a challenging look my way, “as I thought” he cackled in glee.

“No more will die” I forced conviction into my voice.

“Ha ha haa, oh Potter and who’s going to stop me?”

“Me” I shoved my arm straight and forced out a stunning spell, Voldemort waved a hand and dispelled it, the callousness of the man’s gesture enraged me more. He returned with an unfamiliar purple spell, that I blocked and the dueling began. Slowly we circled each other, spell after spell exchanged, it appeared that we were almost equally matched, but I feared his magical stamina would be far greater than my own.

Neville was still in my field of vision, swinging and slashing at the snake, but the snake had the reactions of a cobra and always managed to spiral out the way. Neville stumbled and I panicked, I couldn’t get to him and fend off Riddle. As Neville righted himself, he came back up with his wand in one hand, the sword in the other. Sighing in relief, I shifted my focus back to Voldemort, firing ineffectual spells but managing to block his… then.

“Noooooo” Voldemort screamed and a bloodied, grotesque snake head rolled across the stones landing at the Dark Lord’s feet.

As the last of the horcruxes laid destroyed before him, Voldemort’s curses began again with a renewed intensity. I didn’t even bother with a shield, I ducked and leapt to avoid them, his aim was all off but the sheer power he was expending was leaving a magical zing in the air.

“What’s wrong, Potter? Fight back, or are you too much of a coward to challenge the death stick?” the man growled between curses.

“Why would I be afraid of a wand that is failing you?” his curses stuttered at my words but soon picked up again.

“You lie, I killed the master of the wand, Snape is dead, this wand is mine and it will obey me”

“Even if Snape was ever its master, you failed in that too”

Here the Dark Lord did pause, still circling me but not firing off any spells “He is dead, I killed him”

Suddenly a robed figure emerged from within the mass of battling wizards

“Not wishing to be the bearer of bad news, my Lord” the man bit out sarcastically “but it does appear, you are mistaken”

Snape threw off his hood, pointing his wand at his old master and moving to my side.

“So be it Snape, I shall simply kill you again”

Now, as two against one, we fought against the evil man, Voldemort seemed to realise we were at a stalemate about the same time I did. We would curse, and block, curse and block, nothing getting through on either side, it appeared that he was changing tactics.

“This is the man, Potter, that betrayed you, he killed Dumbledore in cold blood and was instrumental in the death of your parents. Why fight with him? Allow me to reap your revenge”

“No Riddle, the only one responsible for killing my parents is you, and I can exact my own revenge for that”

“Ah, but not for the old man” he shot back in a sickening voice. Is he trying to sound tempting?

“Snape, didn’t murder Dumbledore” Voldemort’s face contorted in confusion “he was already dying, it was a plot to gain your trust and you fell for it. He was Dumbledore’s man, all along”

Voldemort snarled at the man in question “all the more reason to kill you now” and the curses started up again. A well-aimed blast of fire, caught Snape across the shoulder but I couldn’t spare the concentration to look for long, as Voldemort chuckled manically and kept the curses raining down on me. I could feel myself tiring, this was a very powerful wizard I was facing, I knew I needed to end this soon.

In a desperate move, I taunted “Do you even know why that wand won’t obey you?”

The man growled at me “When I presently kill Snape, it will”

I faked a nonchalant huff “Haven’t you been listening? Snape was never its master, he did not defeat Dumbledore”

“Then the wand is mine, I took it from his rotting corpse”

“You don’t understand do you? The power would have died, if Dumbledore had remained undefeated, as planned. However, I was there on the tower that night, somebody did defeat Dumbledore, without even realising it”

The Dark Lord, held still for a moment at that, I guessed he was finally listening to me.

“Draco, he must have disarmed the man” that was blind fear in the Dark Lord’s demonic eyes now, I was almost sure of it, so I kept going.

“Yes, its master was Draco. Up until the point, I bested him in a fight, a few weeks ago and as of yet I remain undefeated”

“You expect me to believe you’re the wand’s master? That is not possible”

“We shall see” I tried for a smug smile, but I expect it was a grimace.

Suddenly there it was, I felt that powerful magical crackle in the air, meaning the killing curse was imminent

“Potter” Snape yelled, but that was not necessary, I was prepared this time.

“Avada Kadavra”

“Expelliarmus”

I returned and red and green met once more. Our jets of light, battled back and forth like a sadistic game of tug-of-war. Distantly I heard the shouts of the battle die out, all eyes must have been on us. I felt raw power, I felt as if I could raise mountains, as if I could part oceans, slay anyone who crossed my path. Voldemort dropped to his knees, clutching his wand in both hands, I stalked forward glaring into his eyes, willing him to die, willing him out of existence.

My red spell was pushing forward, eliminating the green. As I reached the cowering man, the green fizzled out and the man was thrown backwards, the dreaded wand clattered to the stones. As I continued forward, towards the prone man, I felt the power drain away, what had I been thinking? I sounded like a monster, I sounded as bad as him, I passed by the Elder wand, and felt ill, was that the power of the wand? If it was, I wanted no part of it.

I crouched by the form of my enemy, the body was still, cold and pale and definitely dead. Others ran forwards, to surround me then, checking to see what I had just determined- he was gone, finally gone.

I jumped up and cheered, as did those surrounding me. I was caught up in hugging my friends, some sobbing against me at the losses, others cheering and thanking me. That made me feel more ill, didn’t they realise I had brought this upon them in the first place?

As Ron and Hermione caught up with me and led me back inside, I saw the remaining death eaters being rounded up and bound. I was ready to dismiss it, until I saw, Snape. He was being held by Kingsley and another, official looking, man.

I rushed over, didn’t they hear me say Snape was innocent?

“Kingsley, wait” I called, Snape was shaking his head at me, what did he mean?

“Oh, Mr Potter. Congratulations and thank you, Dumbledore truly did put his faith in the right man.. this time” he said with a sideways glance at Snape.

“No, you don’t understand” they couldn’t take Snape to Azkaban, at the very least because he nearly died a few hours ago “Snape isn’t a Death Eater, he’s always been on our side”.

Kingsley looked incredulous “And his sending Albus off the side of that tower” he glanced towards the sky “was for the benefit of the light?”

“Yes” I enthused, begging him to believe me, he was an intelligent man, I thought “Dumbledore was dying anyway, Snape did it to earn Voldemort’s trust”

Kingsley was still looking disbelieving, damn it, what else could I say?

“And you have evidence to prove this?”

I wracked my brain, yeah, I did! “Dumbledore’s portrait, he explained the whole thing to us” Kingsley gave me a grim smile and shook his head. What, what’s wrong with that?

“A portrait that has been in the suspect’s care, since its awakening, I am afraid that is not a reliable source of evidence at all. Harry, you must consider that you have been mistaken. Mr Snape will be coming with us for questioning”.

I panicked, there must have been something else, but, damn it, they’d been too thorough with their ruse, there was probably no way of proving why Snape did it.

“Please Kingsley, the man saved my life so many times, there must be something I can do” He shook his head at me again, I couldn’t help but feel patronised.

“The trial will be in a few weeks, if you have something to say in his defense, then would be your time”

I looked at Snape pleadingly, it was so unfair, after all he’d been through, he was still being made to suffer. He didn’t return my look, gazing uninterested at the ground. I made up my mind then.

“I will be there and I will have _something_ to say” trying not to sound like a petulant child, but perhaps failing. Kingsley led him away then and I vowed that I would pay the man back for all he’d done for me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to keep going with it for now, it's quite fun to write as Harry.

Right, I can do this. I may not have a degree in Wizilaw, I may not have known that was even a thing until yesterday, but that did not matter. I had conviction, knowledge that the man I was defending was innocent. And, I had Hermione, if that girl couldn’t teach me about Wizilaw, before the trial in one months’ time, then nobody could…. Which maybe they couldn’t.

“Grrr” I dropped my head onto the open tome in front of me, cursing Dumbledore’s lack of hindsight. That he hadn’t even thought about Snape coming through this war and ending up in this, actually, very predictable of situations. No matter, Snape was innocent, that was a fact, even if the man himself was disinclined to admit it.

 

The first week after the battle, my time disappeared in an emotional whirlwind of memorials, celebrations and post battle clean up. The first moment I had free, I’d got myself to the ministry, determined to talk to the dark eyed man, who hadn’t left my thoughts all week.

Once I’d shoved my way through the press, blocking my way at the entrance, I went to find Kingsley. Channeling my best Draco Malfoy, I ‘demanded’ to be allowed to see Snape.

“Give it up Potter”

Were Snape’s first words to me and I gathered were intended to be his last, but bugger it all, I’d elbowed camera bearing nutters out of my way to see him, so I refused to give up so easily.

“Snape, there must be some kind of plan here, some contingency in place?.....”

Nothing

“Dumbledore wouldn’t have done that to you”

Sardonic smirk. Alright, maybe he would have.

“Fine,  _you_  must have had a plan. You can’t expect me to believe that you would have gone through all that effort to be free from that lunatic, just so you can rot in Azkaban, you’re supposed to be a Slytherin for Christ sake!”

“Mr Potter! Our circumstances may not be what they were, but I still assume some measure of respect when you speak to me”

Booyah, that’s how you do that.

“Sorry, sir. But you have to have planned something”

Oooh that was a scary look.

“Then you are mistaken. I never intended to live past this war and in the eventuality that I did, I was fully prepared to accept the consequences of my actions”

What the? I know I’d been willing to give up my life for the cause but that was to save people. Snape was willing to give his up for… god knows what.  That just takes self-sacrificing to a whole 'nother level.

“But Snape, the only consequences there should be for your actions is an order of Merlin” cos’ it’s only fair other people suffer the humiliation of that awards ceremony with me “what you did saved lives, without you, I wouldn’t have, all three of us wouldn’t have survived the year”

Well that was a look that says ‘you’re an idiot’

“You think my actions are worthy of an award? Rather than a jail sentence”

Well what do you know, the look works, I do feel like an idiot, not sure why though

“Uh huh” I nod

“Then I am afraid you have grossly misinterpreted the meaning of the word Death Eater” he spat out the last two words and shoved up the left sleeve of his stripy prisoner robe.

I stared blankly at his look of absolute disgust, he really hated himself, that was so sad

“If you are done wasting my time being a blithering idiot, you’ll excuse me, there are some cracks in the ceiling I would rather divert my attention to. GUARD!” he barked

There was more I wanted to say, more I needed from him, but if he wasn’t going to help himself, well hell, that just meant I had to help him all the more.

And that is what found me, at silly o’clock in the morning, pouring through book after book, on the finer points and some of the not so fine points, cos’ seriously I was starting with nothing, of wizarding law.

The first day of the trial I was almost sick, I’d felt less nervous with Voldemort bearing down upon us. Hermione had decided I should tackle each of Snape’s charges separately. The first being the murder of Albus Dumbledore.

My first argument was my pensieve memory of that, god-awful, night, starting from me and Dumbledore apparating to the cave. Maybe it was stupid to prove one man’s innocence by claiming myself as complicit in the crime, but hey, if being the boy-who-lived-twice didn’t come with some perks to exploit, then I wanted my money back, cos’ the press fucking sucked at the moment.

The members of the Wizengamot piled into the pensieve, it did kind of make me wonder if there was a limit to the number of people in there, I had no idea where they were all going to stand on that tiny island.

When they emerged the questions began. I glanced across at the chair, Snape was chained to. The mask I had seen him wear since that day in the holding cells, still in place. Sometimes I wished he’d show some kind of emotion, then I thought about the emotions I’d be feeling if stuck in his position and figured maybe it was better if he could convince himself to feel nothing at all.

“Mr Potter” Madam Bones stated

I stood up

“After reviewing the first piece of evidence. We would be grateful if you could clarify the purpose of sharing this memory”

 “Er, yeah, right sure”

Did Snape just roll his eyes?

“Well, I was trying to show that he was already dying before, Snape erm erm….” What was that fancy word Hermione used? youth something.. “you know killed him, with permission” wait that sounded wrong.

“The liquid that Mr Dumbledore, implored you to make him drink, was a poison?”

“Yep, pretty sure”

“What led you to believe this?”

Well d’uh “The look on his face while he was drinking it maybe, and the fact he could barely walk”

“Barely walk and yet fight off hundreds of inferi?” oh shit, when did this one get away from me?

“Well yeah, but he’s Dumbledore” oh great defense Harry… the man’s name.

Another member of the gamot, lent forwards to mutter at Madam Bones, then she turned back to look at me. I’d thought this piece of evidence was pretty self-explanatory, perhaps not.

“Would you happen to know the name of the potion, Mr Dumbledore ingested”

“Well no, of course not. It might not even have a known name if Voldemort put it there” gees it’s not like Dumbledore would have stopped to deliver a lecture about the bloody thing in the middle of the stinking cave.

“Without, knowing the longer term effects of such a potion, we cannot consider it as evidence contributing to the events of later that evening”

“But Madam Rosmerta, she’s my next witness, she saw us return”

But all she could do, was echo my description that the man could barely walk. Leading to the next day’s plan to completely waste my time, oh, I mean gather important evidence.

qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp 

 

I couldn’t believe I was going back there, Snape better have been flipping grateful behind that stony mask. I finished ramming supplies into a backpack and plodded down the steps of Grimmauld place, where I’d decided to stay, the burrow was just too chaotic.

Charlie had agreed to meet me at the apparition point, the next street over, so we could head to the cave together. The place hadn’t changed any, slice palm, hook boat, grab vial of poison, not touch the water and back on dry land.

Afterwards, me and Charlie plonked ourselves down on the cliff top, staring out to sea. The day was so fine, sunny but not scorching, a blustery breeze coming over the waves bringing with it the smell of the ocean and that delightful salty feeling on your lips that would only go away after ingestion of an obscene amount of icecream. I chuckled to myself, remembering some of the better times we’d had last year at Shell Cottage.

I glanced back from the horizon to see Charlie looking at me, as soon as I did though, he quickly looked away.

“What?” I laughed, why was he staring at me? Oh, I guess maybe I shouldn’t have been smiling and laughing during such a serious time.

“What were you thinking about, to get that dopey looking grin?” he asked.

Oi, I didn’t look dopey, did I? “Just enjoying the view. I think I’d like to live by the sea, looking out, it’s so vast. Makes all this stupid stuff us wizards worry about seem so… insignificant”

“Yeah, view sure is great” he agreed, looking into my eyes, Charlie’s got nice eyes, hazel, smiley.

We chatted about our plans for when the war clear-up was finished. He planned to stick around in England, he didn’t think Molly would want any of her sons off travelling for a while, not after Fred…

I told him about wanting to get a mastery in defense and wanting to travel, get away from being famous for a while, at least until the press stopped hounding me. He said he’d look around for a good institute for me, that was nice. He also said he’d miss me, if I went far away, that was even nicer. Maybe he meant the whole family would miss me, yeah, that made a lot more sense.

When the wind started to pick up, we apparated back to London.

The next day at the trial, the potion was determined to be a strength depleting poison, that had the capacity to cause fatality without an antidote. My relief at the findings was kind of tainted by the horrible taste I got in my mouth at that. I’d basically killed Dumbledore myself… because he told me to, but still. Taking down two of the most powerful wizards in existence in the space of a year, I was really creating a name for myself. The Prophet thought so too, questioning if me and Severus Snape had been in cahoots the whole time, I could get whiplash from how fast their opinion of me changes.

The next witnesses, I’d called in were Draco and Narcissa Malfoy, who couldn’t wait to smarmy up to me now, what with Lucius being locked up, it was a bit sickening really. They testified about the unbreakable vow that Snape was under. Draco admitted that it did sound as if Dumbledore was pleading with Snape on the tower before he killed him, and no Madam Bones, what he was pleading for was not his life, man that woman’s annoying.

Poppy Pomfrey came the next day to bear witness to the curse damage to Dumbledore’s hand. And by the end of the first week, Snape was acquitted of the charge of murdering Albus Dumbledore. My legs nearly gave out in relief, but as Hermione had warned, this was the easy part. Clearing Snape of his other crimes would be a lot harder, as he’d _actually_ committed them.

 

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The start of the next week brought Ginny and Neville to the court room.  Somehow, I had to prove to the Wizengamot that Snape had not endangered any of the student’s lives last year. Problem was, the git was so convincing, in his role as a sadistic bastard, that none of the students realised Snape  _had_  been trying to protect them.

“Miss Weasley, Mr Potter has led us to believe that last year, you were assigned detention with other members of the faculty, over the known Death Eaters, the Carrow siblings. What did you take to be, the reason?”

“Well, once we got in like a tonne of trouble and the Carrows caught us. I thought we were dead for sure, but then Snape came and told us Hagrid would take our detention instead. At the time, I just thought Snape wanted to take them down a peg or two, cos’ seriously, Snape just loves to belittle…. Sorry not relevant. But yeah, now I think about it, I reckon he did it to stop the Carrows tying us in the dungeon and cruciating us like they did with Finch-Fletchley”

“The torturing of students you allude to, did the headmaster ever partake in such a method of punishment?”

“Nah, don’t think so”

“Thank you Miss Weasley. That will be all”

Ginny beamed across the court room at me, what was she looking for, my approval? Yeah high 5 Ginny, the innocent man in chains might now be one step closer to removing them. Did she not realise how serious this was, that’s so… immature.

Shit and I think I might have accidentally agreed to go on a date with her after this. I really didn’t want to lead her on, but I needed her for the trial, that was a really shitty thing to do… New Prophecy, Harry Potter is going to be getting a slap from at least one ginger person by the end of the week, better than Trelawny I am.

Neville was up next and he offered his story,  explaining that Snape probably knew where their hiding place, in the room of requirement was, all along, since he was in on where the DA trained in his fifth year, and yet he never gave their position away. Thank god for Neville, he put up a much more eloquent argument than Gin did.

“Professor, Minerva McGonagall” Madam Bones asked

“My turn now is it?”

She wasn’t hiding the fact she thought the whole thing was ridiculous. When I asked her to speak for Snape, she was outraged Dumbledore’s portrait couldn’t be used. Once she had spoken to it, she was entirely convinced of Snape’s innocence, as would anybody.  As soon as Hermione becomes Minister for Magic I am going to be on her to get the stupid rules changed.

“Would you say, the defendant made a deliberate move to prevent harm befalling the students by assigning detention to yourself and other faculty members, over Mister and Miss Carrow.  Or is this purely a matter of policy, detentions are the responsibility of all members of staff after all”

“Oh of course it was. You think it, standard policy for an incident in a charms lesson to be dealt with by the groundskeeper?”

I was very glad at that moment that I had this woman on my side, she had the ability to make anybody feel like a naughty school child, well judging by the chastised look on Madam Bones’ face anyway.

“Well quite. Throughout Mr Snape’s time as headmaster, did you witness or be made aware of his mistreating of any student?”

“The only mistreatment going on in that school was Voldemort’s doing, no other. The fact you feel compelled to assign blame, now that he is no longer here to accept it. Is simply sickening”

Thanks, mostly to McGonagall, I thought. Snape was also cleared of endangering the students. Now it was just tackling the multitude of supposed crimes carried out, as Death Eater duties. And boy, were there a lot of charges on that count.

 

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That afternoon, Ginny led me to a little bistro, not far from the Ministry. I ordered coffee, despite despising the stuff as I couldn’t pronounce any of the tea varieties. At least it was better than Puddifoot's.

“I missed you last year Harry”

Wow, I’d never noticed how much she blinks, have her eyelashes always had a mind of their own? that doesn’t seem natural.

“Yeah, missed you all too. Christmas weren’t the same without one of your mum’s jumpers”

She huffed at that, was that the wrong thing to say? It was true though.

“Anything else you missed”

Oh, this was her flirting. This was where I’m supposed to claim I missed her so much I could barely draw breath. My cheeks started to flame red at what I was about to do.

“Ginny course I missed you, you’re like family to me”

Get the hint, please get the hint

“Really, you think of me as family?”

Why does she sound so thrilled? Who wants to date their family? Maybe she wants to end it too, oh thank god for that.

“Well yeah, little sis’”

“Little sis! You think of me as a sister?”

Or maybe not, gulp.

“Then last year what was that? Why did you kiss me, why did you say you’d wait for me?”

“Well, it was what was expected of me”

“So you lied, so you’d look more of a hero?”

“No, I didn’t mean to, I really regret it now”

“You regret kissing me?”

Oh shit, that is basically what I just said

“No, not like that. I regret hurting you, leading you on. There are so many other boys out there you could date”

Oh smooth, Potter. Second date of your life, and second time you have brought the girl to tears. They should put me on some kind of dating blacklist.

“But not you, huh Harry?”

“I love you Gin. Just not in the right way”

“You’re an utter bastard and I am not forgiving you this easily, but there was a clerk at the ministry, who asked for my floo address earlier. So I might just go” she cocked her head at the door.

I barked out a burst of nervous laughter “Go get your clerk, Weasley”

Ginny picked up my hand then, her fingers so tiny and childlike compared to mine, that’s just a bit disturbing.

“And you go get the girl you threw me over for. Wait, it’s not Hermione is it?”

“What? There is no girl, why’d you think that?”

“Oh, come off it. We were meant to be, everyone knows it. There must be someone else”

Do they? “No, honestly completely not in love with anyone else”

“Er okay Harry, sure. I’ll see you soon” she lent across and kissed me on the cheek and boy did I get an eyeful, she was certainly going to take after her mother in the chest department.

“Oh, but heads up, when Ron hears about this, you’ll be lucky not to get a slap”

Maybe I _am_ a seer “Bye Gin, good luck with your handsome clerk”

She was laughing again now, maybe I can be taken off the blacklist

“He weren’t that handsome, ass to die for though”

I grinned back, I think I’d seen that Clerk too.

At home, that night, I looked over the note Ginny had handed me from Charlie, I found it was a list of institutes that were still accepting students for their DADA Masteries.

There were quite a few in Europe, all land-locked countries though, I’d really fallen in love with the coast idea. Turned out Durmstrang was also offering a Masters but in Dark Arts studies, that sounded a bit too, next dark lordy, the prophet would have a field day if I went there.

Outside of Europe there were a few in the middle East but they specialised, in curses and curse breaking, I’d once had a go at Hermione’s arithmancy homework and never felt so stupid in my life, so those were probably not my best option.

That left the Americas, there was a good defense course in a place in Canada I couldn’t pronounce, but I worried about my truly appalling skills at speaking French whenever Fleur had attempted to teach us. That left the Salem Witch Institute, the only thing that worried me was that it specifically was called a  _witch_ institution but Charlie wouldn’t have put it down if it only accepted girls. Other than that, it sounded ideal, they spoke English, it was by the coast, the course specialised in defending against dark magic and it was far enough away that the name, Harry bleeding Potter, would just be that, a name.

 

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The third week of the trial flew by, equally as quickly as the other two, I really felt for Snape, he must have been going stir crazy in that holding cell. He’d refused to see me since the first day I’d visited, I got the feeling he saw this whole thing as a nuisance delaying the inevitable, at least I’d gathered from how he answered Madam Bones when questioned, if he answered at all.

I’d gone to see George at the weekend, he and Ron were getting the shop back up and running. It was heart breaking to see him without his other half, trying desperately to be jovial and keep things light hearted, whilst surrounded by WWW products that Fred had helped create.

He’d provided his memory of Snape, cursing his ear off,  but I couldn’t ask him to speak on the man’s behalf. He didn’t look as if he could handle the dingy court room right then, he could barely manage a smile surrounded by joke products.

On the way back to the ministry, I figured it was time to break some bad news to Ron,

“Hey Ron, you know those forms you sent, for the Auror training programme”

“Yeah, I got most of mine done now, took forever, just need a reference from my Defence teacher, but well you know, they’re either dead, crazy, in jail or well Snape. Who you going to ask?”

“That’s the thing, I’m not” I chanced a glance but I didn’t think he’d cottoned on yet

“Why not? You think they won’t care cos’ you’re, you know, you?”

“It’s not that. I just don’t think I want to be an Auror, not in this country anyway, I’m kind of sick of the ministry as it is”

Now he understood, oh no, not the puppy dog eyes

“But, mate. We were going to do it together, that was the plan”

“I know, I am sorry, just can’t face that right now”

“First Ginny and now this, you have a lot of making up to do mister”

“There’s a new firebolt model due next month” I tempted

“Humph, that’s a start I suppose” he said, elbowing me in the side. That definitely could have gone worse.

 

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After the Gamot viewed George’s memory, showing Snape aiming for another death eater and not him, Madam Bones’ questions began again.

 “The Death Eaters ambushed your party straight away?”

How does she always take me off guard? All my arguments centered around who Snape was aiming at, not this.

“Yeah, barely in the air 5 minutes” I’d learnt, by now, to hold back on giving too much unnecessary information, this woman had a knack to latching on to small details and not letting go, like a dog with a bone… how ironic.

“Then it is safe to assume this was a pre-meditated attack”

“They seemed to be waiting for us, yes”

“How was it that he-who-must-not-be-named, came to be aware of your plans?”

“I don’t know, the information was probably leaked somehow”

Where’s she headed with this one?

“The only people aware of the date, were order members?”

“I think so, can’t see how anyone else would have found out, it was pretty hush hush”

“The defendant would have been aware of the intended date?”

Oh no, now I see where this is going, damn it. How  _did_  Voldemort find out?

“Erm, yeah probably. But, you know Mundungus Fletcher, he knew too and he betrayed us, so really anyone could have given us away”

“Indeed”

Next up was Lucius Malfoy. Brought in from Azkaban in even heavier chains than Snape, he looked pretty grim. I think he was hoping I’d pull some strings for him, if he testified. Yeah, fat chance of that, I may have felt sorry for the position Riddle had put him in last year, but nothing would change the fact that it was entirely his own fault.

Lucius acknowledged that the potions, read poisons, that the Dark Lord bade Snape to brew were often, easily detectable, not completely deadly or sometimes managed to completely evaporate before reaching their intended target. Risking severe punishment every time.

Slughorn, testified that in all his years as teacher and colleague, he had never known Snape to make any kind of mistake in his brewing. On his way out, Horace, shot me what can only be described as a pervy grin, the man is completely seduced by power, eurgh. Of course, he had only come here when I’d  agreed to attend his next potions soiree, whatever the hell one of those was. Only if I was around though, which I fully intended not to be.

The day before the verdict would be reached, the session was about to close, when Aberforth Dumbledore came bursting in, armed Aurors charging behind.

“I’m sorry, we told him he needed permission to be here, he just wouldn’t stop”

“Permission” Aberforth bellowed waving an arm in the direction of the Aurors who stumbled back in alarm “is this supposed to be a Dumbledore free zone, first you ban Albus’s portrait, are you going to stop me having my say now too?”

Madam Bones looked slightly flustered, “No of course, Mr Dumbledore, step forward state your full name and what you have to say”

Aberforth strode forwards “Aberforth Lamorak Godric Bartholomew Dumbledore”

Oh my god, I don’t know which brother’s is worse.

“And what have you to say in Mr Snape’s defense?”

“I have not come here for Mr Snape, I have come here to defend Albus’ honour. Did you truly believe him stupid enough to have trusted this man, for years, years! To have been fooled by him all along?”

“Well that is what we are trying to ascertain, Mr Dumbledore”

“Have you forgotten who my brother was? The man may not have been infallible but the one thing he was not, was naïve. He would not have had a spy in his midst for the length of time that Severus Snape was and give that level of trust misguidedly. If Albus Dumbledore trusted a man it was because he was trust worthy”

“According to what you are saying, the defendant did fool another powerful wizard”

“That was because Lord Voldemort was too blinded by narcissism to suspect those that showed devotion to him. A fact the ‘defendant’ exploited. Albus was the antithesis of Riddle, only too aware of his own folly’s. The sycophantic act would not have worked on him, neither would any act. Grindelwald left him too cautious to fall for fakery again”

“Ahem, yes, well. Thank you, for those insights. We will of course take that in to consideration”

Aberforth sharply turned and stormed off I caught “bureaucratic imbeciles” muttered under his breath on his way out. Like everyone else, it appeared, I didn’t quite know what to make of the old loon.

After some conferring, Madam Bones addressed me again.

“Mr Potter, we are at an agreement that the defendant is not guilty of Murdering Mr Albus Dumbledore and, furthermore, not guilty of endangering the lives of the students at Hogwarts school. However, despite acknowledging that there are crimes placed at the defendant’s feet that can be overlooked, as duties of a spy, we feel these are too innumerable and heinous to simply go unpunished”

No, no, no. I jumped up

“Madam Bones, with all due respect, you were there during Voldemort’s reign, both times. You must know that the criminal duties required of a ‘loyal’ Death Eater would be innumerable and heinous. He was forced to do everything or be discovered a spy”

She harrumphed, whoops, now she looks a bit pissed off, why’d Aberforth get away with yelling and I don’t?

“Well Mr Potter, you have not provided sufficient evidence to show that all of these crimes were indeed, necessary, for the duty of a spy. You have admitted that the defendant joined the Death Eaters, of his own free will, only becoming a spy, later on. Can you prove Severus Snape, was loyal only to our side, would it not be possible that he was playing either side off, against each other, waiting till his hand was forced to choose his allegiance?”

Well if Snape would bloody well tell me why he became a spy for Dumbledore than maybe I could, stupid man. All Dumbledore’s portrait would say on the subject was that something transpired to open Severus’ eyes and guarantee he would never support the Dark Lord again. Could he have been any vaguer?

I looked at Snape, pleadingly, but he continued to stare into space, acting as though the whole thing were beneath him.

“Then allow me time to gather the evidence to show you”

“Very well, you have until tomorrow”

Crap, that was not long enough for me to get the stubbornest man in Britain to suddenly decide to speak up for himself. 

  
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That night, Ron and Hermione dragged me to the pub. I think they could sense my desperation. How could I prove, Snape was a spy without knowing why he became one?

“Give it up Hermione” I groaned into the sticky table I was face down on.

“Maybe Professor Snape has family that would understand why”

I lifted my head to look at her, I had to see if she was actually serious

“You think Snape, would go around explaining himself to people, Hermione? Just for the hell of it. Sharing his deep and noble motivations, with perhaps a beloved sister?” I bit out sarcastically, knowing I was going to regret the hurt look I got, in the morning,  
“let’s face it, the only people who know why the insufferable git turned spy are himself and Dumbledore”

“What’d Dumbledore have to say?” Ron asked

“That if Severus was not willing to share, then he was not comfortable divulging such information” I put on a mocking voice to impersonate Dumbledore, aware I was being petulant but too frustrated with the situation to care.

After my ranting I looked back up at the both of them, feeling guilty, they were only trying to help and I snapped their heads off. I suddenly felt so grateful to them and to my mortification tears filled my eyes, I blame stress and Snape.

They both surrounded me then and I ended up with my face sandwiched against Hermione’s chest and Ron’s chin resting on my shoulder from behind.

“It’ll all work out okay, Harry. You’ll see”

“Yeah, mate. You killed you-know-who, nothing you can’t do now”.

I didn’t sleep a wink that night, I was no closer to figuring out how to prove Snape was purely a spy for the light. After everything, he was still going to end up in Azkaban, maybe for not as long as it might have been, but it was still unfair.

        

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The next day, at the ministry, Hermione appeared to be waiting for me at the lifts.

“You’re here early” I smiled, hoping to make up for last night.

“Yeah, I came to find you, actually”

“What is it?” Hermione looked kind of worried now

“I spoke to Snape last night”

“You did? He let you see him?”

“Erm, yes he did actually. We spoke for a long time”

Does she mean, the same Snape I mean? cos’ talking to that man for any length of time, sounded about as likely as carrying on a conversation with a brick wall.

“Did he explain it then, will he defend himself?”

“Yes and no. He has given evidence”

“That’s great ‘Mione. Thank you” I couldn’t help myself I grabbed her and spun her around, wow, she was light, was that normal for a girl?

“Harry, Harry” she started to protest, so I put her down “don’t thank me yet”

“Oh, no. Why, what’s wrong?”

“The evidence is a pensieve memory. I promised not to look at it myself but he knows, as the person representing him, you have the right to, before it’s submitted”

I nodded, I knew that already, some of the reading had paid off

“So, can I see it now?”

“Well yes but, the thing is. He made me promise and sign a disclosure that if I you decide to see this and use it, you’ll not attend the trial today and not give any more evidence in his favour”

“But why? Why would he do that?”

“I’m sorry, Harry. I know you care about him, but I get the feeling he doesn’t want to see you again after this. He, he… he’s only given in and submitted this so you’ll ‘cease your irritating attempts at interfering in his life and give up on your desire to be everybody’s saviour’” she put on a deep voice in a poor mimic of Snape.

“So I can either carry on representing him, for the last day of the trial, but not release his evidence or I use it but am not allowed to be there?”

“Yes”

“How is that even a choice? What if this memory is shit? Then I’ve wasted my last day to defend the man. But then if I drop the memory, I have no clue what I’m going to say anyway”

I scratched my fingers through my hair, this was too much. The man could not make things easy for himself, could he?

“I suppose, I can’t see the thing first and then decide whether to use it?” I couldn't help my fingers crossing in hope for a second

“No Harry, he was adamant that if you see this, you not attend the trial”

Damn

“I guess I have to see it, don’t I? I have nothing else to use in his defense”

“That’s probably best Harry”

She handed me the small vial of memories.

“Kingsley said you can use his pensieve”

I nodded and headed off to the minister’s office. 

 

The world swirled into focus, images swam across my consciousness…

 

 

 

 

 

 _  
A meadow, a red headed nymph, a curious boy with hungry eyes_

 _The great hall, sorting and a disappointed boy with sad eyes_

 _Taunting and teasing, the boy is shunned_

 _The tree by the lake, the mysterious boy grown long and pale, a plant without light_

 _Humiliation and anger, lashing out and hurt green eyes_

 _Grovelling and shame but no forgiveness_

 _The mark burns but the lord offers hope_

 _Pride and accomplishment at fulfilling a duty, of finally being accepted_

 _Fear and confusion, panic and desperation on a mound in the moonlight, salvation_

 _Agony and hopelessness green eyes gone for ever_

 _A vow to make things right_

 _A life devoted to protecting those same green eyes_

 _A plea to end suffering_

 _A conviction to see this through to the end, no matter what the price_

  
I fell out of the pensieve, stumbled back blinking rapidly. I felt as if I’d had another person’s life thrust into my brain, like for however long I was in there, I hadn’t been me, but Sev… Snape. Oh my dear god, tears were freely flowing down my face, how could one man know so much suffering and misery and still function? Function well enough to nearly be solely responsible for us winning the war. How can the ministry want to lock this man up…. This brave, brave lonely soul. I had to see him.

I gathered the whispy corporeal memories onto my wand and lowered them gently into the vial, aware now of just how precious they were. Of what it must have taken for him to finally share this.

As I hurried back to Hermione, images from the memory kept flickering back into my mind. Standing out the most was the beautiful, silver doe loping gracefully around the headmaster’s office, Lilly’s doe. It made me long to see it for real, long more to see it from my mother.

 

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The hours I was banned from the court room were surreal. The whole situation was surreal, I was still stuck in the past, re-living Snape’s life, my mother’s, my father’s… it was all so tragic.

Suddenly, my head jerked up, Hermione was upon me.

“It’s done, Harry. You did it. They let him go!”

“Wer.. what” I stammered oh my god, my mind went blank, we’d done it? He was actually free?

“Harry? You listening? he’s been cleared. Well he has to make some potions for Mungo’s but he’s out”

“Oh, ‘Mione” once again I found myself hugging the girl, hoping there weren’t any sneaky press around, but oh screw it if there were

“I can’t believe we did it, I’m just, I’m just so relieved”

I let her go and rubbed my palms down my face, I still felt a bit of disbelief. This whole fiasco had been stressing me out for months and now it was over…

“Wait, where is he? Where’d he go?”

“Who, Professor Snape?”

“Yeah” I said, frantically looking around the atrium, trying to see the lank black hair

“Harry, maybe that’s not a good idea. I don’t think he’s too keen to see you right now” she was holding onto my arm, trying to stop me looking

“You don’t understand, I  _need_  to speak to him”

“Maybe not right now, he’s been through a lot, yeah?”

“Er, yeah sure. One minute” where was the man? Ah, that must be him.

I ran flat out across the marble floor, Hermione calling after, but she didn’t understand she hadn’t seen the memories.

“Snape, please, wait!” I yell as his retreating form glided out the ministry, he slowed but didn’t stop, so I ran to catch up.

“Snape” outside, on the pavement now, I panted, out of breath,  

  
He raised an eyebrow at me.

“So, you got off?” his eyebrow rose higher. Shit, think of something better to say

“Have you got somewhere to go now?” not sure if that quite counts as better

“That is hardly of your concern Potter” he turned to leave again,

“Is there anything you need? Have you got somewhere to live, I’ve got bags of room, well you know Grimmauld”

“You thought I would room with you?”

“I thought, I could help”

“Then you thought wrong” now what do I say? so you loved my mum did you? That could hardly go down well.

“Please, can I do something?”

“Potter, I will explain this once, as the message to Miss Granger clearly did not get passed along. You are not indebted to me, in any way. I do not wish to be a victim of your hero-complex, any longer”

I what, debt to who? Oh shit, as I bumbled to come up with a response the man darted down an alley and with a crack, disappeared.

I just wanted to talk to him, why did he hate  _me_  so much? Why did it hurt so much that he hated me?

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not really sure I'm happy with this chapter, I've never written anything like it before, i.e. angsty and depressing. Somehow I feel as if I've written way too much and not actually enough to get the progression in the story across. I'm hoping this chapter comes across as Harry going away to university, not coping very well with looking after himself, still suffering from being neglected at a young age and then having to save the world and not really adjusting to normal life very well. Or it is a chapter where Harry goes away to university and completely out-of-characterly, becomes a raging alcoholic. Fingers crossed for the first option. 
> 
> Also, I remembered about half way through writing this, the drinking age in America is 21 not 18, but just ignore that for this or assume it's different for American Wizards or they all have fake ID or something...

The last week in England, I decided to stay at the Burrow. Without anything to occupy myself, Grimmauld Place felt too empty and held too many memories of the war. I stayed in George’s room, after he begged me, he told me it would be worse to just leave Fred’s bed empty forever.  
  
We had a good time, we played quidditch a lot, for the first time in so long. I think Ginny’s mostly forgiven me, she keeps bringing up how amazing Hector (Clerk guy) is, I guess trying to make me jealous. If that’s the worst I get, I’m quite relieved, I definitely deserve it. I keep thinking, if I wasn’t going to Salem would I have tried to make it work with her, but that would just feel wrong, not sure why though, she is a great girl.  
  
“Catch” Ginny yelled, startling me.  
  
I threw my hands out, just in time to catch the quaffle she’d tossed.  
  
“You’d make a great keeper with those catching skills Harry” Charlie was smirking at me, why does half of what he says sound so suggestive?  
  
We played one more game before Molly called us in for dinner. It was my last night before moving to Salem. Looking around at my adoptive family, chatting happily over the feast, I questioned my decision to leave all this behind to make a new start on my own. I would miss them a lot.  
  
What I wouldn’t miss was the ministry, asking for my backing and endorsement on their new policies on how to lead the wizarding, post-war, world. Apparently killing a guy, qualifies me to advise the population, at large, on all of their important political decisions.  
  
The only thing I decided to stick my nose in, after clearing Snape’s name, was electing Professor McGonagall to be the next headmistress at Hogwarts. After Snape had done a disappearing act, she was really the only candidate.  
  
After the meal, some of us retired to the garden, the long shadows and cooling breeze, reminding me of the same season, last year. When we’d first set out, on the run.  
  
“How are you looking forward to the new school, Harry?” Mr Weasley brought me out of my reminiscing.  
  
“Plenty of skirt there, if you know what I mean” George teased, thumping me on the back  
  
“Er, yeah, great” I tried to mirror his lecherous grin, but probably ended up looking constipated or something. I really couldn’t care less that it was nearly an all witches institute, was that odd?  
  
“Yeah Harry, you’ll be over Ginny in no time, ‘specially with those rugged good looks” Charlie winked at me. Oh gods, it was so embarrassing when they mentioned my failed relationship with their sister, I was already over Ginny, I’d never been under Ginny…. In anyway, I’d never wanted to be, is that odd as well?  


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I couldn’t get to sleep that night, I was nervous, I’ve never even been on holiday abroad, let alone moved there. I was also kind of exited, I couldn’t wait to be around people who didn’t feel as if they knew me before we’d even spoken, there’d be no-one expecting super human feats from me. I could just be Harry for once, and not Harry, the unwanted freak either…. well hopefully anyway.  
  
The only people who ever treated me as just me, were the Weasley’s and Hermione, and even then I felt they sometimes felt as if they treated me specially. Except Snape, I realised, he had never done that, he never gave people respect just for having a name, you had to earn it from him, and I never did. I hope he’s okay, I don’t even know where he is.  
  
The next day, my shrunken trunks stowed in my robes. We gathered in the entrance hall to say our goodbyes.  
  
“Be sure to write, Harry. And remember to feed yourself, oh and there’s 2 and a half dragots to a galleon so don’t forget when you do your shopping and” Mrs Weasley fussed, whilst trying to crush my ribcage.  
  
“Okay, mum, he’s 18 not 8” Ron tried to save me  
  
“Oh, sorry love. I forget you’re not still an 11 year old, lost at the station” she pinched my cheek. Despite being humiliated I knew I’d miss her motherly fussing.  
  
“Okay, let some of us have a turn, mum” George and Bill pushed forward to pat me on the back, then Ginny awkwardly wrapped an arm around me, but I pulled her closer for a proper hug. I didn’t want to leave things weird between us.  
  
Fleur hugged me as well and I had to hold my breath as my nose was assaulted by the sweetest perfume I had ever smelt,  
  
“Oh, Harree, I get zee same reponse out of sharlee!” she exclaimed when she, finally pulled back. Bill and Charlie snickered, but the others looked as confused as I felt.  
  
“Come here then Harry” Charlie pulled me against his chest, his, frankly ginormous, warm hands, on my shoulders holding me in place. A least his, kind of musky smell, was getting rid of whatever Fleur was wearing, phew. It was awkawardly close though and I felt myself blush.  
  
Ron and Hermione, ushered me out and, with one last glance back, I shut the door on the picture of the happiest family I could imagine.  
  
The three of us stood on the front porch, ready to apparate to the International Floo in Barnstable.  
  
Whilst we stood in the America’s queue, Ron and Hermione pulled out some packages for me to take with me.  
  
“For your new place, so you don’t forget us” Ron informed me as he handed over a square parcel.  
  
“In case of emergencies so you know you’re never alone” that sounded like something practical, typical Hermione. She handed over a small box.  
  
“Love you guys, I’ll keep in touch and you should come visit soon. Good luck at the Ministry, Ron and you Hermione, at Hogwarts”  
  
“Thanks mate”  
  
“Remember to send me a copy of your syllabus” were their last words as we hugged and I stepped up to the grate.  


 

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I tumbled out in a much larger atrium than the one back in Devon, I had been warned things were a bit bigger and less quaint/run-down, over here. I pulled out my map to the apartment block, I was staying in. As I walked I was struck by how wide the streets were, the buildings spread apart and not crammed in, like London, the only other city I’d been to.  
  
Some of the buildings were actually old-fashioned looking, not as old as in England but it was still comforting to see there was a past represented here.  
  
I walked through a park, dotted around were beautiful, drooping willow trees. Down one of the paths, there was a shimmery barrier and a sign explaining it was the gateway to No-Maj Salem. I figured, once I’d changed out of my robes, I could go and explore down there.  
  
My apartment, not flat Harry, Ron kept making fun of my failed attempts at trying to use American words. Was in a three-storey building, popular with mastery students. I chose one on the top floor, so I’d have views of the sea, all the ones on the top had two bedrooms. They were more expensive, but I figured that could be useful for Ron and Hermione staying, even Charlie, had said he’d come too. Charlie’d been acting a bit odd recently, we got on fine before, but now, he acts like we’ve been friends for as long as me and Ron have. I don’t mind, he’s a nice bloke, it’s just a bit weird.  
  
When I got up to the top floor, I found my door and used the keys that had been posted… mailed to me. The place was so open and bright. Even the doorways and arches seemed higher and wider than at home. There was a massive window in the front room, facing out towards the sea. Through an archway, there was an equally large kitchen, it was a bit much for just me, if I was honest. Walking down the entryway, there was a short staircase up to the two bedrooms and following the passage along, there was the bathroom, with… that was one ginormous bath… wow.  
  
I didn’t really have anything to do with myself that day, classes began tomorrow, so I pulled out my trunks and set about unpacking, my re-enlarged belongings. Not that I had many, despite Mrs Weasley, insisting on me shopping for everything I needed before I left, so I wouldn’t have to worry in a strange place, I still barely owned anything.  
  
I put, my one pan, one plate and one bowl away in one of the many kitchen cupboards, they looked a bit pathetic, maybe I did need to do more shopping. Then shoved all my toiletries in a drawer in the bathroom.  
  
I went to check out which bedroom I wanted, which took all over two-seconds, when I saw one had a view of the ocean and one a view of the car-park, with surprisingly a lot of cars for a purely wizarding area. I’d been told wizards were a lot more immersed in muggle.. no-maj culture here, there was even electricity in my flat… apart.. oh sod it.  
  
I put, my meager collection of clothes in the cupboard, closet? As there was no wardrobe, then changed out of my robes, to go see the sights of Salem and probably go shopping.  


In the wizarding portion of the city, I picked up some more robes, some in the Salem’s institute’s colours, yellow and purple. I thought they were cheerful but was glad I didn’t have Weasley ginger genetics, the colour clash would have been spectacular.

  
Going through the no-maj barrier, I  wandered into a supermarket, though it took me a while to figure that out, it really could have been a hard-ware store, a department store or even a book store really. There appeared to be nothing I couldn’t buy. Considering the still early hour, thanks to the time difference, I had the vast aisles mostly to myself.  
  
I grabbed all the household things I could think of, surely forgetting stuff, I really needed someone like Hermione. No normal person, remembers that tea-towels would actually be a useful item to own.  
  
I may have gone a tiny bit overboard when I, eventually, reached the food aisles. There was such an array of biscuits, no cookies and cereal, all chocolatey or fruit flavoured and so many types of sweets it put Honeydukes to shame.  
  
Severely weighed down, I trudged back to the magic zone, before I could shrink and lighten the lot.  
  
Back at the house, I finally remembered about my leaving presents. I opened Hermione’s first, to find a jar of some very sparkly substance, it was very pretty whatever it was. Reading the note it said, International floo powder, for emergencies only, so you know we’re never far away. Trust Hermione to be endearing and scolding at the same time, I was very grateful though, it did make me feel better, knowing I could get to them, from here, if I needed.  
  
I placed the jar above the mantelpiece in the living room. Then I opened Ron’s, to find a photo of us all from Bill and Fleur’s wedding. My eyes were immediately drawn to Fred, leaning casually on his twin, not one of us knew everything was going to be torn apart that day, nothing was ever the same again after that.  
  
I felt that horrible guilty, sick churning in my stomach and let out a shaky breath. I didn’t kill him, nothing I could have done could have stopped people dying, but did it have to be him? It sounded atrocious to me, I’d never say it out loud, but at least with Remus and Tonks they both died there wasn’t anyone left as half a person. Teddy was too young to be severely hurt by it, hell he was younger than me when my parents were killed and I know that was nowhere near as painful as George losing Fred. Of any of us losing Fred.  
  
I went up to my room and put the picture on the bedside table. I was grateful for it, but it was quite painful to look at, not enough time had passed to get over it.  
  
For dinner, that night, I discovered I hadn’t bought any ingredients for a meal, what I actually did spend nearly 50 dragots on, I don’t know. I ended up eating cereal which tasted as amazing as the stuff Dudley used to scoff looked. Even if my teeth did feel a bit achey afterwards.  
  
I went to bed, but couldn’t get to sleep easily, the place smelt different, the double bed was too big compared to the single I was used to. There was no scratchy, knitted blanket of Molly’s and no comforting pipes groaning or other people snoring and wriggling around.  
  
Eventually, I drifted off, imagining I was safe and warm in the Gryffindor Common room. The comforting curtains were drawn around me and I knew there were people I trusted surrounding me, I was back home, so secure. The bed curtains fluttered and then they were ripped aside. They’re not friendly any more, the other’s leer down at me, I feel myself shrink helplessly as they grow, looming further and further over me. They’re so angry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry it wasn’t my fault, I tried. But they won’t listen. An arm reached through the bodies, long, skinny fingers, I don’t know this hand, is it safe? I hesitate and it’s too late it withdraws, I should have accepted help.. too late now.  
  
I woke up disturbed, glad, for once, I wasn’t in the common room. It took me a while to shake the feeling of those accusatory glares from Ron and the other Gryffindors.  


 

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I got up, determined not to let the weird dreams get to me. I had planned to apparate onto campus but was ready way too early, so walked instead. Enjoying the early autumnal breeze.  
  
The campus wasn’t as impressive as Hogwart’s but had a more organised, academic air to it. The buildings were tall and made of a bright orange brick, it made a very welcoming impression.  
  
When I finally located my building and classroom, I was no longer early. I walked into the room, glancing around for a seat, when a skinny, blonde girl screamed.  
  
Oh shit, I came here to get away from the Potter mania. I contemplated the benefits of putting on an accent and saying ‘who?’ when the inevitable ‘you’re Harry Potter’ came, but damn, there was sure to be a register taken at some point and that would just make that awkward.  
  
“Oh my god, Harry, Harry Potter!” the blond rushed over to me, I was glad to see everyone else looking confused at least.  
  
She’d somehow gotten a hold on my hand.  
  
“Er, yeah that’s me. If you don’t mind not making a big deal out of it. No one else knows and I’d like to keep it that way” I patted her hand, hoping she’d get the hint and let go. She didn’t.  
  
“Of course, Harry. Oh, I can call you that right? I’m Lyndsey by the way. I can’t believe it’s you, the saviour I mean you’re so famous and like, well you. Come sit with me”  
  
Considering she still had my hand I didn’t think I’d get a choice as I was lead over to a chair near the front. At least she was friendlyish I suppose.  
  
“So what you doing here? I’m from Cardiff originally, but went to school all over the place, moved a lot, never went to Hogwarts, shame that, don’t you think? We could’ve been friends sooner. I knew some people over here and they said I should do my masterery with them. Defense wasn’t my best subject, more divination but I didn’t know anyone doing that and now I get to meet you, so even more glad I chose defense. Anyway why’d you chose it? thought killing a dark lord would have made you a bit over qualified”  
  
She finally stopped talking and giggled at me instead.  
  
“Er yeah, sure. Defense is good, right?” did she actually ask me something, what am I supposed to say now?  
  
“Oh, Harry” she laughed and stroked my arm.  
  
I was pretty sure I didn’t say anything that warranted that level of giggling.  
  
A large figure, strode between the aisles of desks then, interrupting any further conversation. The face that turned to greet us was friendly enough. He had olive skin and dark eyes, covered with bushy eyebrows, he was also sporting an impressive goatee. He introduced himself as Defence Master Baines, he’d been an Auror in Chicago before retiring to teach. He went through the curriculum and our timetables and introduced us to the teacher’s that specialized in dark creatures, defensive strategy and leadership and shields and wards. He, himself, would teach us dueling and spell work.  
  
After classes, Lyndsey was still glued to my side, she introduced me to her friends Jason and Ben. Jason nodded but seemed a bit disinterested in me or something. Ben was nice, he smiled and shook my hand, then launched into a conversation about where I was from and what brought me here. He had quite a charming accent, and lovely chocolatey brown eyes, lovely? Wait I mean lovely like Hermione’s. He was quite a bit taller than me and when he stretched his arm out to shake my hand, I couldn’t help but notice how well his arm muscles were defined, he must have been wearing nice clothes or something, that would explain how… nice he looked.  
  
Once I’d said goodbye, I apparated back home. It was nearly dinner time but I still hadn’t been shopping, I just had cereal again but told myself I would get proper food tomorrow. After that, I was at a loss as to what to do with myself. The others had invited me to a bar, but for some reason I said no. I flicked through some of my new textbooks and went to bed early. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, I rushed to get away from the people earlier, not really wanting to talk and probably being a right antisocial prick and then went back home to be bored and lonely. But they weren’t the people I really wanted to spend my evening with, I missed Ron and Hermione.  
  
Right, stop the self-pity Harry. I shook myself, next time I would join them at the bar, so what if I hated bars and they weren’t the ones I wanted to spend time with. Lyndsey had not gushed too much over the whole Potter-mania thing and Jason... well, hmm. Ben had been nice and easy to talk to.  
  
I snuggled down, trying to go to sleep, but realised I was actually aroused, that was odd. Well not really I’m young and male but I’d just been thinking about…. oh well. I reached down to tug at myself and rapidly got myself relaxed enough to fall asleep. Thankfully that night, there weren't anymore disturbing dreams, in fact I think I just dreamt of my new classmates.  
  
The next week, when Lyndsey asked if I wanted to go drinking with them, I forced myself not to refuse and reluctantly agreed. She squealed and insisted she come round to mine before to ‘dress me’. Whatever that meant, I knew she was aware that my parents died when I was young, but I hoped she’d noticed I was already capable of dressing myself.  
  
“Harry! Why do you have nothing to wear?” she gasped as she rifled through the plethora of clothes in my closet. Is she blind?  
  
“These are all so so baggy and just eurgh! No if you come out with us, you need to look the part, we are going shopping”  
  
Oh joy  
  
“For now, shrink these” and she threw a black T-shirt and one of my, better, I thought, pairs of jeans at me.  
  
“But, these fit me now. I can’t make them smaller, they’ll be too tight” why did I get the feeling I was going to look ridiculous by the end of this?  
  
Sure enough, by the time we were heading out the door, my jeans were digging into my waist, thighs, bum even my calves and if I reached up high enough my T-shirt exposed my navel. How this was an improvement on baggy, I have no idea, but hey, Lyndsey said I looked ‘hot’ so I guess that made up for it?  
  
The bar was noisy and hot, the drink that was plonked in front of me burned my throat and so did the second, the third tasted quite good and the fourth, I think ended up down my front, or at least that would explain how I got all sticky. I swayed on the bar stool, the four of us giggled about something although I doubt we could really hear each other and then we staggered home. I fell asleep that night so easily, it was brilliant whatever the hell it was I was drinking, was great. Until the next morning, I’m not sure the hangover was worth it.  


On Sunday Lyndsey dragged me shopping.  
  
“So what size do you normally buy?”  
  
“Like medium, I don’t know, just grab anything really”  
  
“And that is why you don’t have a girlfriend”  
  
“Er, okay” cos that made sense  
  
“Right from now on, try before you buy and, remember, go with what fits then get the size below”  
  
I ended up with three more pairs of too small jeans and a whole bag full of teeny black T-shirts. When my parents left me that fortune I somehow don’t think they had this in mind, for me to spend it on.  
  
Every Friday and sometimes Saturday and occasionally Wednesday, although that was always regretted on Thursday we hit the bar. A few times we then made our way to a night-club, Enchanted was Lyndsey’s favourite. I couldn’t say I enjoyed it that much, I could say it gave me something to do and meant I wasn’t alone for an evening and that meant no remembering and no dreams.  
  
One Thursday morning I overslept and missed my first lecture. I planned to pull myself out of bed and apparate straight to the next lecture, until I tried to stand up and felt my skin cover in chilly prickles of sweat and my stomach give an ominous lurch. Crap.  
I spent the morning on the bathroom floor instead, glad I only had crackers for dinner beforehand, giving me only liquid to throw up.  
  
What the fuck was I doing with my life?  
  
I was doing the bare minimum in my assignments, better than Lynds and about the same as Ben, but without Hermione or anyone to bug me to do stuff, I wasn’t exactly giving it my all.  
  
I hadn’t cooked any food once, I was living off packet food and chips… fries, shit, from the Institute’s canteen.  
  
And instead of pursuing hobbies and healthy leisure activities, like a normal person, like Ron, he goes fencing now, my hobby was consuming alcohol.  
  
I was so pathetic. I figured I shouldn’t waste the whole day staring at my bathroom ceiling, so I crawled into the living room to get a piece of parchment.  


_Dear Ron and Hermione (and any other Weasley that pleads to read this too),_  
  
_I attached my syllabus for Hermione and highlighted the courses I’m doing now. Ron I think you’d really like the defensive spells lessons, we get to practise with some people from the Auror Academy here, so I can enjoy pretending it’s you I’m hexing. How’s the training going anyhow?_  
  
_I’ve made a few friends on my course. We don’t really do fun stuff like we do, they like drinking, a lot. Which is fun once in a while. I’m seeing a lot of the night life around here. Lyndsey, on my course, is from Wales, so knew who I was. After some initial screaming, she’s calmed down and she’s alright. Ben and Jason are cool too, well Jason's a bit quiet and withdrawn, but Ben’s friendly enough ~~and he always makes sure I get home after a night out, when I can barely~~ and he’s helped me out a few times. _  
  
_The city is beautiful, it’s got a lot of history- Hermione don’t go buying yourself any books yet! Not till after Christmas at least, hint hint._  
  
_I was thinking of joining the quidditch league but haven’t really gotten around to it yet. How do you like your new broom Ron?_  
  
_Anyway, write back soon, Hermione tell me all about the Mastery and what Hogwarts is like with McGonagall and tell everyone that I miss them._  
  
_Love Harry_  


Was it just me or was that too falsely chirpy?  


 

  
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The rest of the half term flew by, my routine of classes, assignments and ‘socialising’ read drinking, left me little time for anything else. Lyndsey came round to my apartment a lot too. She said she needed the extra defense tutelage, which was true, admittedly she was hopeless. Although whenever she came round we never seemed to get any studying done, the girl could gossip for England, or even America, I suppose.  
  
I didn’t mind Lyndsey’s excessive attention that much, was that sad? that I’d left my home so I could get away from the media attention and strangers falling over themselves, in the street to talk to me, and ended up befriending the one person who treats me like that now.  
  
I feel like that’s not entirely my fault, she did kind of force this friendship on me but then again I did nothing to stop it. I like her familiar accent and I kind of like that she knows about the war, at least she sort of gets it, gets what I went through. I find her comforting, I find anyone comforting right now, whenever I’m alone too long and especially when I run out of school work to be doing, I feel kind of lost. I don’t have a life here yet, I didn’t really have one back home either.  
  
I played the part of neglected child, for so long and then suddenly I was the saviour and all of my time was taken up with… saving people and worrying about saving people and planning how to save people, I feel like now that’s over I don’t have an identity any more. I don’t really know what to do with myself most of the time. So being around the other people, I don’t have to worry about that, they give me identity by proxy. They enjoy going to nightclubs and bars, so I enjoy nightclubs and bars… I don’t but who cares, at least it’s something to do, rather than lay in bed not sleeping, or sleeping then really wishing I hadn’t.  
  
The faces never leave me alone. People I couldn’t save, people who did survive but blame me, for not saving others, people who tried to kill me. The people who tried to kill me, but I killed them first. It’s not normal to have killed someone, how does that fact ever leave you. The-boy-who-killed-people, more appropriate than lived cos’ surely everybody alive is a person-who-lived.  
  
  
The week after autumn… fall, study break. Lyndsey said she was too ill to come to class, I guessed it was more like severely hung-over, due to the weeklong bender we’d all participated in. By the fourth night, the bouncer at the door to Enchanted, stopped asking for ID, that’s slightly humiliating but oh well, Hermione and Ron will never know. They'll never know about my letting people drink shots out of my-belly button, the table dancing, or the time I woke up at home missing my shoe… actually no idea what happened to that, I tried accioing it, but it never came back.  
  
With Lyndsey away,  Ben moved to sit by me, in class.  Ben was very touchy feely, he was always putting his arm around me, which was fine for propping me up, when I couldn’t walk straight, but walking between classrooms seemed excessive. Although for some bizarre reason I didn’t mind it, I always felt a bit giddy when he touched me, like when taking a steep dive on a broom.  
  
Plus, he must use some kind of expensive fancy shower gel, it smells amazing, I can’t help breathing deeply when he gets close, which is a lot. It really sounds as if I’m in love with the guy or something, which obviously I’m not, seen as he’s a guy. He just washes in nice soap and has really great taste in clothes, I always find myself staring at him, I mean at what he’s wearing.  
  
Anyway, by the end of that week, I’d say we were pretty close, Jason still hung around with us, but he didn't really contribute much.   
  
We were walking back to the Institute's housing district on Friday, when Ben took my hand. I pulled away at first, thinking it must have been a mistake, but then he grabbed it again and pulled so I’d stop walking.  
  
“Hold up a sec” he asked, so I stopped, feeling slightly uncomfortable at his staring at my face “Harry, you’re not seeing anyone right now, are you?”  
  
“What?” I, so eloquently, replied  
  
“No English Beau, waiting for you back home?”  
  
“No, I don’t have a girlfriend” glad I could tell him this for some reason, I really wanted him to know I was single  
  
“A girlfriend?” he snorted at me “please, come on Harry. Are you not out yet or something?”  
  
“Out! As in…. gay?” what the hell, he thinks I’m gay? But I…. kissed a girl twice, oh that probably won’t help convince him.  
  
“Well yeah, what other kind of out, is there?”  
  
“No I’m not. I mean, I’m not gay so definitely not out”  
  
“Come off it, you haven’t realised yet?”  
  
What does he mean? I’m not gay, might not be that interested in girls but that doesn’t mean I’m interested in guys…. Does it?  
  
“You really haven’t, have you? You really think you’re straight”  
  
“Er… yeah” although I sounded uncertain even to myself, if he’s so sure I’m not straight “are you.. you know out?”  
  
“D’uh”  
  
Oh, was this something obvious people were supposed to know about each other? I just usually assumed everybody was straight but obviously that’s not the case  
  
“So, Harry. How about it? Want me to show you how, out, I am?”  
  
“Are you asking me on a date?”  
  
“Sure. You’re cute”  
  
That made me frown, cute was for girls. Men weren’t cute, men were manly and tough and muscly and had big strong arms that you just want to run your… oh.  
  
“Alright, I suppose so”  
  
“Gee, try and sound less enthusiastic why don’t you”  
  
“Sorry, this is all a bit strange. I mean, yes I would love to go out with you. Where’d you want to go”  
  
“The hell if I know, I don’t really do the whole dating thing, but if wining and dining you is what it takes to get some, I’ll give it a go”  
He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. That made me feel a rush of heat and nervous queasiness all at once. ‘Get some’ as in sex? Wow, that sounded, I had no idea how to feel about that.  
  
“Alright, so come around later and we’ll get some food?”  
  
“Sure, thing Harry” ooh he sounds so... sexy? when he purrs in that accent.  
  
I started walking back down the pavement… side-walk damn this was getting so annoying. And he headed across the road to his building.

 

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Ben asked me out, I was going on a date with Ben, a guy. Who was maybe a bit of a tool sometimes, but he was very tall and his arms sometimes looked as if they would bust out of his shirt and at least this explains why I can’t stop staring at the guy. I’m most probably gay. I mused all this whilst strolling slowly home, and up the stairs and then flopped onto the sofa.  
  
Oh, I think I might actually be gay. Should I be more upset that Ben’s basically just outed me to myself? Mostly I think I just feel relief. Like finally an explanation for why I don’t feel like the other guys. I never did understand how Seamus could talk about boobs for so long, and why the other boys sat, enraptured, listening to him, while my mind drifted to quidditch, or Cedric, or Charlie or uh oh… Snape? no that was the half-blood prince I used to fantasize about, surely?  
  
Oh no when I tell Ron and Hermione, she's going to have so many questions, I’m going be like a new shiny toy for her to learn about and Ron, Ron’s going to… faint.  
  
Oh crap, I have a date to get ready for. I threw off my clothes and jumped under the spray of the shower, paying extra attention to my groin area, not that I was going to have sex or anything, that sounded way too scary. Although, I definitely felt a twinge in that area when thinking about it, so that was promising. But wow, sex with a man, that would mean with my bum and that was.. nope! Not going to think about that not unless I want to have a panic attack right now.  
  
I jumped out of the shower and scrubbed at myself with a towel, while I ran upstairs, what should I wear?  
  
I could wear the kind of things Lyndsey throws at me to go clubbing, tight black stuff, but what if we go somewhere more classy and we left in daylight, no I’d feel ridiculous. The stuff she’d suggest for a bar? Tight, again but a shirt not a T-shirt. I grabbed some dark jeans, that hung low on my hips and whoops never used to need a belt, need to eat proper food, and shoved on a short sleeved shirt. I think I looked alright, damn it I really needed Lyndsey.  
  
I picked up my boots and jacket and went back downstairs to wait. Thinking about it, we didn’t agree on a time, so I picked up my property warding's book and made some notes for Monday’s lecture, I could barely concentrate enough to get through a chapter.   
  
Oh gods, my leg was bouncing up and down, my heart was beating too fast and my stomach was churning, I was going on a date, with a guy, some time that evening. Wow, this was very stressful, it’s not like I really cared about Ben liking me that much, it was more that I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself, and what would happen if he kissed me? or more? Shit, I needed a drink.  
  
I pulled out the bottle of sticky, syrupy stuff that Lyndsey had left here once, from an empty kitchen cupboard. It tasted like honey and tar and medicine but as soon as I’d taken a few swigs, my heart stopped pounding and I felt a bit calmer. So what if I’m a terrible date, and who cares if Ben kisses me, maybe I want him to, he was pretty hot and so very very manly.  
  
Ahr! The floo. I dropped the sticky bottle in the sink, wiped my hands down on the tea-towel and hurried back to the living room.  
  
“Hey there gorgeous” Ben climbed through and smirked at me, I felt myself go a little weak at the knees, how did I not notice the effect he had on me before?  
  
“Hey yourself” I smile, glad he’s here now, someone to talk to.  
  
“You okay? You seem... Never mind, you look hot”  
  
“er thanks” am I still grinning? Whoops maybe too much maple schnapps “so where’d you want to go?”  
  
“Anywhere you want to, babe”  
  
Eurgh, babe, really? “don’t mind” I shrug, not being able to remember any places that were good for food.  
  
“Maybe we should skip the food and go straight to drinks”  
  
Was this a good idea? Probably not “Yeah sure, Enchanted?”  
  
“Nah, I know somewhere much better”  
  
“Er great” if better for a nightclub meant louder, hotter and fuller then, oh no.  
  
Crossed wands, was louder, hotter and fuller, full of gay guys grinding against each other. I have to admit I was a bit turned on. So many men, so many men looking very aroused.  
  
Ben steered me towards the bar, we drank shots of ice vodka, then he steered me back to the dance floor. We started out properly dancing but by the end it was more like leaning against each other. His hands were pressed, firmly, into the small of my back, pulling me tight against him. We stumbled against each other, vaguely moving to the beat. His hands moved from my back, down to my bum.  
  
It was, I don’t really know what it was like, there was so much going on and I felt good, getting lost in the thumping beat, the alcohol numbing everything. He’s squeezing and rubbing at me, his hands are so big he can fit the entirety of my ass cheeks in them.  
I can feel his hard on against my hip, I think I like it. He’s turned on, turned on by me, or my arse or something but hey, it feels good, I can feel my cock getting heavier in response. Yep, guess I am gay.  


The night passes in a blur of music and shots, just like most of our nights out, I'm glad it's not a proper date, they've never gone well for me. Eventually, the lights come up, glaring and there is an audible groan from the remaining dancers. Closing time.  
  
We stumble out into the street, I’m so happy. It doesn’t matter that my friends and family are far away and that people died on my watch and that my life is slowly unraveling, I feel nothing, it’s brilliant.  
  
Ben is pushing me somewhere, I go with it. A wall is at my back and then a warm body against mine, so warm and real and human.  
  
Then I’m being kissed, like I’m worth something, like I’m wanted. There’s a hot heavy tongue against mine, it feels so good.  
I open up my mouth and hungrily accept Ben’s tongue. His hands are all over me, under my t-shirt, rubbing at my skin, he’s moaning, he moves his lips down to my neck, his hot mouth feels so good. Maybe it's me moaning? Oh gods, yep definitely hard now, both of us, I think.  
  
“Harry, Harry, gonna fuck you” he’s slurring but at the moment I think it’s more speech than I could manage “your place?”  
  
I nod, I just want more, more hot mouth, more tongue, hands, gods I want him.  
  
We make our way back to my building, his hand rubbing over my denim glad butt the entire way, making movement even harder.  
  
The cold night air is making things a bit clearer, it's getting rid of some of the brain fuzz. Did I want this? I know it was probably reckless and not how somebody’s first time should go, but do I really believe in all that romance stuff? Sure it’s fine if you find the one you love, but I haven’t yet and what if it takes forever to find her.. him. Who cares if I wait or not, I fancy Ben so much and the kissing had felt good, so surely more would be even better.  
  
We were at my door now.  
  
“Oh Harry, you are one sexy little fucker”  
  
“Cheers” why do I feel so awkward when he compliments me? "do you want a drink or…. Wah!” as I turned from locking the door, Ben grabs me around the waist and taking the few steps forward, tosses me onto the sofa…. Couch, oh fuck it.  
  
His lips are quickly on mine again and I see no reason to protest. His strong, heavy body feels so good on top of mine, he hikes up my T-shirt and I sit up to pull it over my head. He quickly does the same and…. Mmmh, he has a nice body, broad shoulders, firm stomach and you can’t even see his ribs, I’m kind of jealous.  
  
Then he’s back on me his tongue sliding against mine, his hands graze down my sides and to the top button of my jeans. I gasp out, as his hands press against my hard cock, trapped inside.  
  
No-one has ever touched me there and merlin do I want him to.  
  
“Yes” I gasp out, not that I think he was even asking for permission. He presses his hand flat against my abdomen and slides his hand inside my pants.  
  
“Yes!” this time I gasp louder, he wraps his hand around my cock and starts fondling and pulling on it. Shit, I was so close to coming “Ben” I tried to warn.  
  
“Oh, Harry look at you, so fucking hot” he pulls his hand out, oh.. I mean phew and then undoes my trousers properly, yanking them down my legs, my pants and thankfully socks go along too.  
  
I feel a bit self-conscious, knowing that I still hadn’t regained the weight I lost on the run. But the way he’s staring at my naked form, makes me kind of forget that, he looks as if he likes what he’s seeing and that feels amazing.  
  
He yanks down his own chinos and is soon as naked as I am. Mmh, he has a nice cock, if one can ever be described as nice, it’s not ugly at least, it looks thick and kind of like the rest of him, big.  
  
“Like what you see?” he’s smirking now, shit, was I staring at it too long?  
  
I offer him an apologetic smile and he laughs “come here” he lays back down on top and starts rubbing up and down against me. Our cocks keep touching and every time they meet, I feel a rush of arousal, this is so hot.  
  
We’re kissing again, with him breaking off to mouth around my jaw, my neck and ears. Who knew having your ear lobe sucked could feel so good “Oh!” I gasp out. Nope definitely not going to last much longer.  
  
“Want me to suck on something else?” he asks, he's so fucking smug. He’s shifting down my body now, his tongue flicks at my nipple and “oh my fucking gods”  
  
“ooh he likes his nipples played with, I’ll remember that” he murmurs against my stomach and then his head is going lower and, no he isn’t going to, oh yes, yes he is.  
  
He slurps up the head of my cock into his hot mouth and is now sucking. Wow, that feels so good, the pressure in my balls increases, I feel my prick start to pulse with blood.  
  
“Ben, oh, Ben” I try wiggling my hips to get his mouth off before I… but too late “oh sweet….” He’s making filthy slurping noises from where his head is buried in my groin and my still turgid cock is being gently lapped at. Wow.  
  
He smiles up at me  
  
“Do you want me to do the same?” I feel I should offer, I’m not entirely opposed to the idea, just nervous about the practicalities of how I fit something like that in my mouth.  
  
He shakes his head though “there is something else I’d like us to do”  
  
Oh wow, now he’s pressing my legs apart and scooting up my chest again. I take it, he means, he wants to fuck me. I guess, what the hell, I want to do this sometime so why not now?  
  
“Come up to bed” I slither out from beneath him and wobble over to the stairs, not sure if it’s still the alcohol or the aftereffects of the orgasm making me shaky, I feel a lot clearer headed so it was probably due to my coming so hard.  
  
Once in bed we kiss a bit more, but it wasn't long until I’m on my hands and knees, ass in air. And then, oh oh, wow, there’s actually something going up me now. Don’t panic remain calm. I try and breath through the weird, probing sensation and resist the urge to jerk away. Oh, okay, there it was the finger was in, all slippery and kind of sharp feeling. I can do this, oooh, it’s moving now, that’s not half bad.  
  
“Ah aaah” I gasp, that was another finger wasn’t it?  
  
“Harry, you still good?”  
  
Phew, I can do this, don’t wuss out, you want this “yeah, sure, all good” a hand came to rub at my back, that was quite nice, I remember to breath, and as the fingers started a rhythm the burning and sharpness kind of abated. It just felt kind of weird now instead, like there were places in me that I was becoming aware of for the first time, nerve endings never stimulated before.  
  
His fingers were moving around, separating, so that they stretched at my walls, it felt alright deeper in my ass, but the pulling of the skin around the entrance was burning a bit.  
  
Fuck! Another finger, that was quite a stretch, I felt sweat break out along my back, across my forehead, pretty much everywhere and my breaths became short and sharp.  
  
“Come on Harry, relax”. Easy for you to say Ben, try having a hand shoved into  _your_ bum, oh he probably had. Did he sound a bit impatient? What a wanker.  
  
I took to breathing in through my mouth, out through my nose, think of it like having a bone set, staying calm and not tensing, gets it over with so much quicker.  
  
“Aaaaah” what the fuck? “phwooo” I breathed out, “oh, oh gods” I panted, yep that was a definitely a dick that had just rammed itself up me, also confirmed by the satisfied grunting of the man on my back.  
  
“Yes! Harry, fuck!” Ben growled before I felt the ginormous intrusion being pulled back, rubbing across my inner walls, before there was a grunt and the thing rammed its way back home, punching through all the clenching sphincters I vaguely knew were in there.  
  
The pace, he set, was brutal, I locked my shoulder joints and braced my knees in my best attempt at remaining up and not being pummeled straight into my mattress. The burning pain had gone now, I think the monstrous thing had forced away any resistance from my muscles, all I felt was kind of stretched and full… in a way it was actually quite a satisfying feeling. If he hadn’t been so forceful and hurried shoving the thing up me, this could have been quite good.  
  
It appeared to be good for him if the grunts and groans were anything to go by. Mmmh, oh that did feel good. I’d dropped my head a bit, inadvertently raising my arse up, the new angle was even more satisfying, oh yeah, that was so good.  
  
Fuck, well I never, I was actually getting hard again, I could feel it, the coiling of pleasure building at my navel, rushing towards my bollocks, I was hard from having a dick stuffed up my arse. That was… unexpected. I dropped my weight to one elbow, reaching my other arm to grasp at my now aching cock. Wow, it was very hard, at least it seemed to be really enjoying the proceedings, I wish Ben would just stop huffing and puffing like that, who does he think he is the big bad….  
  
Oh, yes, “Ben, again, yeah right there!” I felt the most blinding flash of pleasure, starting deep in my guts then spreading out, I felt my cock throb with it. The need to come was just the right side of bearable, the absolute desire throbbing through my veins culminating in my cock was so intense, it blocked out thoughts of anything else.No room for anxieties or the pain of loss, no chance to dwell on the past, all obliviated by the assault on my senses his cock was causing.  
  
“Ben, again” but he wasn’t fucking listening, his thrusts began to stutter, and he fell on top of me, his extra weight causing me to collapse onto the mattress, ow. There were several cool spurts inside me, his come, I figured, that feeling wasn’t half bad either. If only the great oaf would get off my back so I could breathe and maybe have my own orgasm.  
  
“Ben, Ben, can’t breathe under hear” he grunted again, typical, but finally rolled off. There was an obscene squelch as I felt him pull the slightly softer shaft out of my hole, and I felt something slimy pulled with it, that promptly started to trickle down my ass cheek…. Eww.  
  
I glanced up to see Ben, flopped on his back, eyes closed and breathing deeply. I may be a, pretty close to, virgin, but, even I know, it’s kind of rude to fall asleep on an unsatisfied lover. With a sigh, I rolled over and set about pulling myself off, I slipped a finger into my slimy hole and tried to find that thing that Ben had touched a moment ago.  
  
I thought I had it and felt a brief flash of pleasure as my probing finger made contact with a nobbly blip but it was so hard to reach whilst lying on my back. I knelt up and reached behind myself instead, I could get to it, but only just, I couldn’t press directly onto it like Ben had briefly managed. Hmm, I’d have to think of a solution to that, but right now I needed to come.  
  
I quickly fisted at my erection. With all the stimulation from before and the delicious scent of male in the air, I quickly climaxed and joint Ben in slumber.  
  
The next morning was awkward, we drank coffee and snogged but I felt a bit sick and he seemed eager to leave. I couldn’t bring myself to care, I just wanted to wallow in my bathtub and figure out what the fuck happened.  
  
Another cup of coffee, I don’t find it that bad now, maybe it’s better in America. Then I surrounded myself in warm water and bubbles. So I had sex, I lost my virginity, it surprisingly didn’t feel like such a big deal, nothing about me had changed, well my arse felt weird, stretched and a bit bruisey nothing to bad, other than that, I was exactly the same.  
  
As I replayed some of the more pleasant moments, I couldn’t help the curiosity. I reached down and started playing with my achey rim, it was tender but in a good way. As I worked my fingers up, inside myself, I started to get hard again, well this certainly was new. I pushed and prodded my fingers inside, not as good as when Ben had finally hit that special spot but still satisfying, adding a fist around my cock, I was soon sullying the bath water.  
  
Yep definitely wouldn’t mind doing that again with Ben. If we can ever get past the awkward conversations we needed to have. Sure he was easy to talk to about meaningless stuff but I just could not imagine opening up to him, feelings, our pasts, personal things. I’d just feel uncomfortable and I doubt he’d have bothered listening anyway. But maybe I should give him a chance to get to know each other, I probably should now I'd slept with the guy.

 

qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp

  
  
  
Over the next few weeks, I spent more time with Ben. When we went out as a group, he would tend to stick around afterward and quite often we’d end up in my bed again. It got less painful every time, sometimes I could even come before he did but it was quite hard to wank whilst being fucked from behind.  
  
A week before the Christmas break, I was writing to Ron and Hermione to arrange when I was coming to the burrow. I couldn’t wait, I wanted to talk about nice things not about what a slag Darcy was, from Lynds, or how fuckable my arse looks, from Ben, or what was snorted/smoked at the weekend from Jason, turns out he does talk, but only if it is about narcotics it would appear. I'd come 'out' in my last letter to them, I'd been really nervous but I only got congratulations and we're not really surprised in response, compounding my theory that I'm the last one to know about everything.   
  
I was leaning out the window to put the finished thing in my window box for the post owl to take, when my floo chimed.  
  
“Hey Lynds” oh please don’t ask me to go out, my liver hurts  
  
“Hiya Harry, Happy Holidays” she puts on an American accent, I hate it when she does that, it’s so cringey.  
  
“Yeah, you too. So, what you doing?” I ask, not in the mood for her….. her, this evening.  
  
“I was thinking” don’t you mean drinking? I want to say, but stop myself “about us actually”  
  
“Us, you and me or us all of us?” maybe she knows about me and Ben, he said not to tell her and I agreed, she’d have made it into a big deal if she knew we were dating? Seeing each other? Fucking?  
  
“You and me actually” she steps forward and takes up my hand, toying with my fingers. I don’t like where this is going.  
  
“Look Lynds”  
  
“Shush” she puts two fingers against my lips and steps even closer. Oh no.  
  
Then she presses her lips up to mine, the gloop of her lipgloss sticks to my lips and I really want to wipe it off, but she’s not done, she’s pressing her tongue through the gloss and against my mouth, I can taste it…. Eww. She brings her hands around to the back of my neck and I feel the talons of her manicured nails digging into my skin, nope that’s enough.  
  
“Lynds, stop” I put my hands on her shoulders and take a step back, it feels odd to be this close to someone and be looking down not up.  
  
“Hey, Harry, don’t be shy”  
  
“Look, you’re a great friend and I don’t want to ruin that” I emphasise friend hoping that’d be enough to discourage her.  
  
“Doesn’t have to, you’re lonely, I’m lonely, it’s Christmas. Nothing stopping this” she gestures between her lower half and mine… urgh, nope gross.  
  
“Actually, I’m not. Not lonely and very gay. Me and Ben actually”  
  
She snorts she actually snorts, does she not believe the gay part or Ben? I don’t know.  
  
“Oh yeah sure, Ben? as in our Ben? Ben the man slut?”  
  
Yeah your best friend, Ben the man slut, charming “Well, er yeah I guess”  
  
“You are not going out with Ben. He was totally getting the waiter's number the other day and oh yeah, last night he was getting off with TJ”  
  
Oh. Meh deal with that later. I shrug “still gay though”  
  
“What? You… you’re not, you can’t be, what about…. Us we were, you were leading me on”  
  
“How was I leading you one? We’re friends, doing friend things”  
  
“Like how I come around here to study and you spend the whole time chatting me up, you don’t even get a textbook out” Oh, when you put it like that “and you always dance with me in Enchanted”  
  
“Dance with Ben too”  
  
“Who you’re supposedly shagging, so”  
  
She repeats her, earlier, lewd gesture  
  
“Lynds, gay remember so no, no to the shagging. Sorry”  
  
“You’re such a fucking tease, did you think it was funny stringing me along like that?” Er, fuck, how did I lead another one on? at least I did kiss Ginny. I was pretty sure Lyndsey knew we were just friends “well? Oh forget it queer boy”  
  
Grabbing a handful of my floo powder she disappeared out of my flat. Oh crap, class was going to be so awkward for the next week.  
  


 

qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp qp

  
  
  
  
The next day, I chickened out of going into the defense class, I peered in the door and saw her and Ben together. Why’d she hate me but not him? Nope not dealing with that today.  
  
I found myself wandering the labyrinth of corridors that made up the institute. I began on a familiar path, I’d been drawn this way a few times, never understanding why, but each time feeling a bit better for having gone.  
  
The smell hit me first, as I turned the corner and then the familiar sights. Students bent over cauldrons, there was bubbling and hissing and some foul odours, it was so nice to be here. I settled down on a bench outside one of the classrooms that had its doors open.  
  
I took a long sniff, oh general healing salve, we made that third year. Ron’s had been too thick and the stirring rod had got stuck in it and snapped and Snape had yelled and made him scrape the thing out, using only a tea-spoon. Oh, those were the days. I was so lost in my happy memories that I didn’t notice a woman approaching me.  
  
“Hello, there. Excuse me for asking but are you lost? Is there anything I can help you with?”  
  
Oh she was a professor, but she was so young.  
  
“No, thanks for asking but just resting here, thanks”  
  
“No problem, I may not teach the masters but doesn’t mean it isn’t my job to help”  
  
She turned back towards her classroom, but then paused, “if you’d like you can help, some of these cauldrons are going to be a state after this” she laughed, I found myself laughing too.  
  
“Of course, I’ll help. Healing salve, number 3?”  
  
“Why yes, actually. You’re not on the potions mastery though, are you?”  
  
“No, defense. Actually I’m pretty useless at potions”  
  
“Believe me, anyone that can identify a healing salve, purely from its smell, is not useless”  
  
Once the class had been dismissed, we worked together to blast the congealed goo out of the cauldrons, it was so much fun and I’m not sure why. I pretended, these modern rooms were actually the dungeons, that the natural lighting was flickering torches and the professor working alongside me, was not her.  
  
“I didn’t know you offered a Potion's mastery at Salem” I try to make conversation, if she liked me maybe she’d let me help out again  
  
“Only for one more year, I’m afraid. Well unless we can find another master”  
  
“Oh, what happened to the old one?”  
  
“Master Giovanni. He’s retiring, 106 next year so probably about time, wouldn’t you say?”  
  
I laugh again, I never want this to end, “Can you not teach them?”  
  
“I’m not a master, just a professor I do the first 7 grades but no higher. It’s not just his teaching that will be missed”  
  
“Really?”  
  
“He was an amazing inventor of potions as well, brought a lot of money to our department, grants and such for research”  
  
“Are you not looking for a replacement?”  
  
“Of course, for years but, well Witches and Wizards of that caliber are unlikely to want to teach, often not having the temperament”  
  
I offer her a knowing smile, Snape certainly didn’t have one of those temperaments and yet, he was still… wow this seemed too perfect, Snape could be here, I could see him again and I don’t know why that thought made me so happy.  
  
“Have you heard of Severus Snape?”  
  
“Modified Wolfsbane Snape? Er yeah I’ve heard of him” She offered me a ‘well d’uh’ look  
  
“What if he’d work for you?”  
  
“That depends, could you get him to work for us?”  
  
Then my hope died, he wouldn’t pack up his life and move out here, somehow Snape in America just sounded odd, I shrugged. “I could ask, maybe” or not considering nobody seemed to know where he lived.  


After spending the rest of the afternoon scrubbing stuff, it was great. I made my way home, Professor Vance said I was welcome to help out, any time. I didn’t even feel bad for missing classes, I felt so much calmer, I even managed to make pasta for dinner.  
  
The next day, I had the morning off lessons anyway, ‘personal study time’ or lay on the sofa staring into the fire time. I must have dozed off, suddenly there was a face in the flames.  
  
“Harry, Harry you okay?”  
  
“Woah” I reply, falling off the sofa “Shit, Hermione?”  
  
“Oh Harry, it’s so good to see you”  
  
“Er yeah you too, but what are you doing? You must be using flipping tonnes of floo powder”  
  
“Yes, but it was important, I need to come through, use your present?”  
  
Present? Oh right the international floo powder for… shit Hermione considered this an emergency?  
  
I grabbed up the box of sparkly dust and flung it in, the flames sparkled purple and Hermione stumbled out.  
  
“Oh Harry” she threw here arms around me “what happened to you? Have you been ill?”  
  
Oh cheers, what does she mean? “Er no, I’m fine, do I not look fine?”  
  
“Well no, er yes you do you’ve just. Well you’re very skinny and you’re well, are you not sleeping… like at all?”  
  
Oh for god's sake, it’s like Molly being here “Missed you too ‘Mione”  
  
“Oh right, yes of course we’ve all missed you so much”  
  
“So you, wasted 50 odd dragots, no I mean galleons to tell me that? Oh and to insult me?”  
  
“No, Harry. I just thought you should see this, maybe sit down” before she can lead me back to the couch I catch sight of what she’s carrying.  
  
“Not seen one of these in a while, mind if I look?” I reach to grab the newspaper, then flip it over to the front page.  
  
‘Boy-who-lived? Boy-who-likes-boys’ I feel my expression freeze. On the front page of the Daily Prophet is a picture of me and Ben dancing, Jason is with us, we must have been in Enchanted. At the time I was just dancing with Ben but the photo makes it look as if Jason is joining in too and it certainly has an erotic look to it.  
  
The article, spins a tale of me going off to America to pursue a life of seedy clubs and seedy men and then speculates about the other boys I went to Hogwarts with and who I might have been fucking then, it was looking likely it might have been Ron.  
  
“Oh, gods. Hermione, I can't believe Lynds would do that. What a bitch ”  
  
“Lyndsey, your friend Lyndsey?”  
  
“Maybe not anymore, we kind of fell out”  
  
“Badly enough for her to sell this to the prophet?”

“I guess so" I shrugged, I was angry but also, not really surprised, you couldn't trust anybody.. well barely anybody. "Look it’s fine, I wasn’t really ready for everyone to know but they’d have had to have found out some time and, I’m not ashamed. Of being gay I mean, the crock of shit in this article isn’t great, obviously”  
  
“Not great, this girl, sold you out, Harry. She can’t just get away with it”  
  
“She can't?”  
  
“Harry what _is_ wrong with you, you don't care?" I shrugged again, there are crappy people out there, caring is not going to stop that. "Of course she can't get away with this" she continued  "If we don’t stand up for ourselves, then the press win. No We must do something. I am going to see your Headmaster” she grabbed the Prophet back and stormed towards my front door.  
  
“Dean” I correct  
  
“Dean…. Where can he be found?”  
  
“She”  
  
“Harry, a little help here?” she looked a bit exasperated, but hey, she's the one who normally cares about the finer details.  
  
“Fine, she can be found in her office, I assume” She throws me the look again “Which I’ll be happy to take you to”.  
  
  
  
I saw Hermione off at the international floo, with a a congratulatory hug and a promise to replace my emergency floo powder.  
  
Lyndsey was put on academic probation for gross misconduct to a peer. Yay, I think. At least there’ll be fewer awkward conversations for the last two days before the holiday.  
  
The next two days were uneventful, I made excuses not to see Ben. I wasn’t bothered about him cheating? If it could even be called that, we weren’t anything to each other, sure I felt a bit used and wasn’t really interested in continuing things with him, but I didn’t feel cheated.  
  
Then it was time to go back to the Burrow, I couldn’t wait. I missed them all so much, I missed normal people being around me, there being three meals a day, shared together and just people, doing normal stuff. My life was really not normal, there’s no-one to care if I don’t get up in the morning, no-one to care if I only eat nachos for a day and no-one to stop me if I decide to join my friends for a drinking session at 11 in the morning. All I wanted for Christmas was to be smothered in family again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry if that chapter was everything I moaned about before, but at least it has done what I wanted it to do- set the scene for Snape to re-enter the story in the next chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Christmas Eve, in front of the fireplace, under a scratchy blanket, surrounded by ginger people. I’m so happy here. In the last three days, I think I’ve smiled more than I have for the past three months.

How did my life go so wrong? I feel as if every decision I’ve made since September has been the wrong one. I chose crappy friends, I didn’t even bother trying to make non-crappy friends, like Snape once said, I expected everything handed to me on a plate, maybe he was right.

I spent more time in University, day-dreaming about the past than I did paying attention to lectures and somehow I’d made all of the people I actually care about, really worried about me. I’ve been asked by every single person staying at the burrow, at least twice, if I am okay and if I am sure I am okay. Which has me second guessing if I really am okay. Compared to how I was fairing, on the run from Voldemort, my life is positively peachy. On the other hand, should someone, such as myself with seemingly everything to live for, really be so hell bent on sabotaging it all, like I sometimes think I am? Who knows, I did know I definitely needed to sort my life out.

Molly called us in for dinner and I felt glad, that once again, there would be at least three hours of eating and chatting after dinner, where I would not be alone for a single minute. I think I was developing a phobia of being on my own, scared of where my mind took me, if left unoccupied.

Around the dinner table, there was a clatter and squawk from the kitchen. Peering through the door, a ruffled grey shape could be seen, flapping about.

“Oh, Errol, silly thing” Molly bustled over to where the bird had landed in a plant pot. “Tut, tut, tut, oh dear”

“Ma, what is it?” George asked

“Special addition of the Daily Prophet…. Oh dear not good at all” she answered, her eyes hurriedly scanning the front page.

Ron, the nearest to Molly, lent around to see what his mother was looking at, “What’s a spinner’s end?”  
Spinner’s End, I’d heard of that.

There’s was a distant pop from outside and then, the sound of the front door opening.

“That’s where, Professor Snape lives” Hermione answered, just as Ron passed the prophet across the table to me and Hermione. On the front was the picture of a smoking ruin, that presumably used to be a house. ‘Death Eater attack at Spinner’s End’ was blazoned across the top of the paper.

I felt the breath leave my body, if that was where Snape lived then…

“Is Snape okay?” I gasped out, in panic, oh my god, what if he’d been hurt or captured or.

“Yes, Mr Potter, despite your absence, I somehow, managed to survive” his deep tones sent a happy shudder down my spine. I jumped out of my seat then froze. What was I planning to do, hug the man?

“I’m glad you’re okay” I blurt out, thank the gods he was okay, I didn’t even care if he’d just made me look like a right plonker.

“As am I” he stated drily and moved to sit down at the chair, Molly’d pulled up.

“I’ve invited the Professor to stay with us, over the break, until he can get back on his feet. Awful thing that happened” Arthur told us as he sat at his own chair and helped himself to food. “Of course, Mrs Malfoy offered a place to stay as well. But, you know, what with the ministry still being suspicious, we thought it best that Severus not be associated with, erm, well them”

Snape rolled his eyes and set about re-massacring his lamb chop. Good, he wouldn’t be staying with Narcissa, that bitch couldn’t get her evil claws into him. What with Lucius in jail, who knew where her affection might wander and that would be, that would just be…. Wrong. Nope much better for Snape to be here.

  
On Christmas day, Snape made himself scarce, I don’t know why I was disappointed, what did I expect? Him to hand out the presents and join in charades? Over the dinner table, after a lot of encouragement from Arthur, Snape informed us he was thinking of going to Durmstrang to teach potions. The thought of that made me lose all appetite. That was really far away and full of Dark Wizards, if he’d been attacked by Voldemort sympathisers in this country, how on Earth would he fare in the homeland of dark wizards. I’d have to find a way to speak to him about coming to Salem.

The next evening, after just a few fire whiskies, shared with Charlie, I found the courage to knock on the attic door, where Snape was staying.

“How can I help you Mr Potter?” Snape looked up from the journal he was reading. I wonder where he got it from, how much stuff did he manage to save from his house?

“Erm, just wondering about what you said at dinner yesterday”

“I believe I said a number of things over the meal, one of which being ‘may you pass the gravy’” I feel my face fall blank, what? “Perhaps you had better be more specific”

“Oh, yeah. Well you thought you’d apply for Durmstrang?”

He nods slowly, “unfortunately, I find myself with very little to my name. Arthur and Molly are showing me a great kindness, letting me stay. However, I cannot encroach on their hospitality forever, I need to make a living and making one in the country is proving to meet a lot of resistance”

“But Durmstrang? you won’t be safe there, it was one of the biggest areas of Voldemort’s supporters”

He scoffs “I should really take offence at your lack of faith in my ability to take care of myself”

“You were just targeted by Death Eater’s your house was blown up” how is he so blasé?

“As, I am well aware, thank you Potter. Yet, there being no better alternative, I feel I shall just have to rely on my own sense of preservation to keep me alive in Bulgaria”

That felt like a dismissal so I blurted out, “they need a potions Master at Salem, Master Giovani retired and Professor Vance isn’t a researcher. She loves to teach but” I shrug, it was clear he understood what I was asking.

Snape waited a moment, looking as if he was considering that, I felt hope coil in my chest.

“I have, shall we say, limited funds, at present. Durmstrang offers accommodation. Is that the case with your Institution?”

Oh fucking Durmstrang, “Er, no. Professors and students live off site” now he definitely looked as if he was about to dismiss the whole thing “but, wait. I have a spare room, my place is made for two people to share, you could stay with me” please, please, please.

“Potter, I” he pauses. Please! “There is too much history between us for that to be acceptable”

Nooo, what did he mean? Oh. “My mother?” He meets my eyes, and I think I understand, no matter how much it feels as if someone had just punched me in the chest. “You still love her?” I whisper, not wanting the words to be any louder, as if that would make them truer.

He sighs. His face looks so open, like a mask has been pulled off, I’ve never seen so much expression on his features…. He looks so sad and… weary.

“To say I loved her, feels like sacrilege, she despised me so that I wouldn’t want her associated by my love, something she would not want” he’s still holding my gaze, I couldn’t look away. “I was sure I was in love with her. But now, I think, maybe I was too childish to understand. I was obsessed with her. As a child, she amazed me, everything she did was enchanting, how she moved was ethereal, even her magic… it had a fey like quality. Where mine and my mother’s was pure practicality. I followed her, I dreamt of her and I tried to control her, but she was too good for that, too good for a bruised and broken child and especially too good for the bitter and vindictive man I was becoming. Your father saw to that, that I would…. That is in the past. My actions were mine and mine alone. I could spend my whole life atoning for what I did, but it will never be enough”.

I gulped against the burning in my throat, how could one man carry all this self-loathing and guilt? I’d have been following Dumbledore off that tower if it was me.

“Snape. You can’t punish yourself forever. My mother would have forgiven you 10 times over, for what you’ve done for me”

“You never knew her, she would not. She never forgave me calling her a mud.. that name”

“She would have. Actions speak louder than words, you may have begged her forgiveness then, but you didn’t change. As soon as you pledged your life to protect mine, I know it Snape, she would have forgiven you”

“How can you know?” those eyes drilled into mine, they looked so hopeful.

“Because _I_ forgive you. I forgive what you called her, I forgive the prophecy you gave away. I forgive the things you said to me over the years”

“No, no you shouldn’t. If it wasn’t for me, they would be alive. Potter, I killed them, or as good as”

“Well then, so did I. I was the baby the prophecy was about and, and.. Pettigrew killed them, for giving their hide-out away, Sirius killed them for not being the secret keeper. Hell, even Dumbledore killed them by taking the cloak. None of that matters, the only one that killed my parents was Voldemort and he’s got what he deserved. Why won’t you let yourself have what you deserve?”

Damn, those eyes, so expressive. Then he seemed to shutter himself off, blankness took over the desperation in his eyes. Please have listened to me.

“Thank you for your offer Potter” he stood, walking towards the doorway and placing his hand on the open door “but I do not wish to be indebted to you any further. Good evening” he said with a slight bow and closed the door in my face.

I blinked in shock. So that was it? He was off to Durmstrang, me back to America. How long would it be before I saw him again, what if… what if it was never? Shit, I wanted to cry, I felt loss and bitterness and oh for fucks sake, was I actually jealous of my own Mother? That was insane. But, I mean, for someone like Snape, cold and closed off and such a loner, to fall in love with someone. That person would have to be one-in-a-million. All I got from Snape was, I guess, indifference now. Not even hatred, I was nothing to the man. That was so much worse.

 

I found myself back in the kitchen, everyone else had gone to bed. I was a bit reluctant to take more fire whisky, it not being mine and the fact that someone might notice more had gone, but then I was struck by a genius idea. If I made a mark where the level of whisky was now and then drank some, I could fill it up with water and no-one would notice any missing. Brilliant.  
I glanced around, making sure no-one was lurking in any of the downstairs rooms, then settled on the kitchen counter, to chug away the memories of that heart-wrenching conversation with Snape. Maybe I could drink away the whole thing.

Maybe an hour later, maybe more, who cares when it’s dark, time don’t mean nothing when everyone else is asleep. I plopped down off the counter, to crawl my way up the stairs. Quick stop to check in the bathroom mirror to get rid of the tell-tale blood-shot eyes, turns out Lyndsey was useful for somethings, thanks Lynds. I followed the wall around to my room, thunk!

“Ah” I bumped into something solid.

“Shsh, Harry is that you?” It was Charlie, oh Charlie was so great, he never made me feel like shit, not like Snape, fucking Snape making my heart hurt with his stupid, depressing, why did we all have to feel so much stuff, wouldn’t it be nicer if we were all just happy all the time? Charlie was chuckling softly, Charlie was happy, I can be happy with Charlie.

I lent against him, his hands were on my shoulders, holding me steady, stopping the bad thoughts.

“Hey Charlie” I laugh, he laughs and pulls me closer. Yay, what a perfectly happy thing to do.

“Charlie Charlie Charlie” I giggled, Charlie was funny, Charlie was sexy as hell, Charlie was feeling up my arse…. Mmmmh, Charlie’s big old manly hands felt so good on my arse.

“mmmh, Charlie, fuck me”

I felt him shudder against me, hot breath washed over my ear “do you want that Harry?” he purred at me then I felt what he meant by that. He was pressing a very hard appendage against my stomach. Mmmmh lovely hard cock.

“yes, Charlie’s cock”

“oh you sound so filthy when you say that”

I reached down and pawed at his crotch, are these buttons? yes buttons they are. My stupid fumbly fingers wouldn’t work though. Charlie laughed, damn it, was I making a fool out of myself? Meh who cares, Charlie undid his buttons for me and I could reach inside for what I wanted.

Mmmh, yummy cock, yummy hard cock, was I speaking that out loud? Screw it, who cares. The thick meaty thing in my hand was throbbing and I really wanted to taste.

I squatted down further to bring the thing to the right level and stuck it in my mouth. Pretty sure there was supposed to be some technique to this, but it felt too good just to shove it all in. mmmh, it was hot and heavy on my tongue, the skin so smooth and silky. I started to suck on it as hard as I could and felt it pulsate.

“Fuck Harry!” Charlie was muffling his shouts against something, my hair was being pulled and I felt the satisfying weight on my tongue pull back, so I shoved my face forward, not really sure how it all fitted, but it definitely seemed to.

“Wait, wait” he gasped out, above me.

“Nnnngh” I tried to protest, but with my mouth full, it was pretty difficult. He pulled away. Come back, please.

He’s pulling me with him, we’re through a door. His bedroom! It’s light in here, compared to the dark hallway. He’s smiling at me, welcoming me, like the anti-Snape he is. He wants me, he won’t reject me, maybe _he_ could love me. He holds his arms out for me to join him, where he’s sat on his bed. Join him, not be alone, how great.

I drop to my knees again and shuffle forwards, already ducking my head to his crotch. We can make each other happy.  
I take his hard dick in hand, and set to work on the happiness. Fuck Snape, fuck Lyndsey, fuck Ben. I am not going to let them make me miserable again, happy, happy, happy times. If I say it enough maybe it’ll come true.

Mmmh, his cock’s getting harder in my mouth, his hands are scrabbling on my shoulders, he’s so real.

“Harry, Harry” my name sounds nice from him, he knows it’s me doing this, he wants me. My mouth floods with salty liquid, mmh, that’s what he tastes like, the man shared this part of himself with me, mmh that was hot. I look up at him, Charlie, why do I feel sad? Stop thinking.

He’s pulling me up to sit beside him, but it’s too much effort to sit up, I flop back on the bed instead.  
His hand is in my pants, he’s stroking me, firmly and quickly. It’s nice when someone else does that, feels so good, I think I come and then I’m so tired and he’s warm and I don’t want to think anymore, so tired.

 

My head hurt, my mouth was dry and my stomach felt both empty and like I wanted to throw up, all at the same time. The bed moved, but I didn’t. Oh shit, not alone. I cracked an eye open.

Charlie. Oh no, what have I done?

“Hey sleepy head. Brought you a coffee” he handed me a mug, but nope, that didn’t smell good. So, I forced a smile and placed it on the bedside table. I felt awkward and kind of awful, it started to dawn on me just what I had been doing last night, maybe I had just been using him and I know that’s wrong.

“Harry look. I think you know how I feel about you”

Gulp, not really. But then I guess, all the flirting, the friendliness, the whole, him being all too willing to fall into bed with me last night. Oh no, shit, I definitely used him.

“I’m sorry Charlie, I do like you” and I did, just I didn’t really want to date the guy, he was too… he just wasn’t… I don’t know what, he should have been perfect for me.

“But not like that. I figured as much” He looked sad, I felt even shittier. “There’s someone else isn’t there? It’s not that Ben, the one who screwed you over, is it?”

“No, no. Not Ben. Not anyone, I think”

“Really?” he sounds incredulous

“Why are you so sure, there’s someone else?” this was getting a bit reminiscent of the awkward conversation with Ginny, but then there definitely had been no-one else. Now? I was so confused.

“Just the look you gave me last night” I raise my eyebrows, last night was a bit blurry. “When you opened your eye’s after I’d come, when you looked into my face. You looked, disappointed, when before you’d just kind of looked blissed out. I think you were hoping it was someone else you were blowing” he shrugged, at least he didn’t seem too cut up about it.

“Sorry. I guess, I don’t know. I think maybe I just felt guilty. I am sorry”

“Don’t fret it” he lent down and pecked me on the side of the mouth “whoever mystery man is, he’s very lucky. You’ve got it bad” What? For who?

I got up, unsteadily, to leave. When I was at the door he spoke again “remember, if you ever feel willing to let me convince you of the benefits of a relationship with me, I’m always here” we shared a wry grin “I’ll always be here for you anyways”.

Oh fuck, why couldn’t I want to date him? What was wrong with me?

  
The next few days, I tried to take my mind off things as much as possible. I visited Hogwarts with Hermione, but that led to a nightmare about me pushing Dumbledore off the headmaster’s balcony so I didn’t repeat the experience. It was nice to see Minerva and Hagrid again though.

Ron took me on a tour of the Auror training department at the ministry. I ooed and aahed, but by the end, I was glad I hadn’t followed Ron down that path. How one doesn’t end up, a paranoid wreck by graduation, I don’t know. It sounded as if from dawn until dusk, all that was crammed into their heads was; this is how to think like a dark wizard, this is how to attack a dark wizard, this is the history of how dark wizards have grown over the years. I was sure I’d have started seeing dark wizards in my pumpkin juice, if it had been me.

I didn’t know how to be around Snape anymore. He was civilish and I tried not to do anything stupid in front of him for him to yell at me about. When I accidentally put salt on my grapefruit instead of sugar, then tried to accio it off and ended up with the entire contents of the salt cellar on my plate. I only caught a brief smirk from his direction, not the full out rant at my incompetence that I’d expected, I could still hear the implied slow clap from him, but he kept his mouth closed. I don't know why I was disappointed, he didn't even care enough to belittle me anymore.  

On my last day, I really wanted to say something to him, goodbye or good luck, or please please please don’t go to Durmstrang.  
I went back up to his room to speak to him but found he wasn’t there. That was odd, he didn’t really spend time anywhere else.

On the second-floor landing, I heard muffled voices coming from Ron and Hermione’s room. I would have dismissed it, if I hadn’t heard the distinctive, rumbling tones of the man I was looking for. This was really weird.

I sneaked up to the door and cast a quick eavesdropping charm. Nobody had thought to place a silencing one, so whatever it was couldn’t be that important.

“Pray tell, how has this, once again become my responsibility?” Snape asked

“It’d be suspicious for anybody else” that was Hermione

“What would you think I could offer to help rectify the situation. I am neither counselor nor mediwizard”

“Well, he, he. He likes you” there was a pause and movement towards the door. I made to scurry down the stairs, but the movement stopped. “Please, I have never seen someone, so, so apathetic. It’s like he doesn’t care anymore, the only thing I’ve seen him genuinely interested in, in months, is you” Hermione sounded a bit whiny, that meant she was stressed normally.

Shit, the door handle rattled. I ran down the stairs, grabbed a book off the shelf and threw myself into an armchair in the living room.  
Were they talking about me? What was apathetic? Was that the same as pathetic cos’ that was a bit harsh.. but maybe true. Fuck they were really worried about me, I needed to do better. Or at least, look as if I was.

 

In the end, the only goodbye I got from Snape was a curt nod. When would I see him again? Could this really be it? I swallowed the lump in my throat and turned to hug the others goodbye. Charlie held onto me the longest. He was such a nice guy, it was probably a good thing I didn’t like him back, then I wouldn’t bring him down into my shitty little life.

I apparated by myself to Barnstable this time. The last words I heard before I left, was “don’t forget to buy yourself more international floo powder Harry”. Sweet Hermione, so caring. Caring enough to, moan to Snape about how pathetic I was, apparently. What that conversation had been about, I still hadn’t figured out.

  
Once back in my cold and empty apartment, I felt dread wash over me. I had another 12 weeks until the Easter break, Spring Break I think they called it here. 12 lonely weeks. That thought was terrifying, I barely made it the first 12. I slumped on the couch and summoned my calendar from my desk and a quill. I started backwards, the day before the holiday I marked with one, then everyday before that I counted the numbers back, until today’s date, marked with the number 85. 85 days to get through, I groaned, what kind of state was I going to be in, by the end of that?

I decided to get up and do something pro-active. I’d go to the shop and get more purple floo powder. Hermione would be so proud.

On the way, two familiar figures approached me. Oh joys.

“Harrison!” Ben yelled. That’s never been my name, but hey ho.

“Hello” I muttered. Quick look really busy “got to, get to, go. So see you around” I hop around them and carry on down the sidewalk.

“We don’t have any place to be, mind if we tag?” Ben linked his arm with mine and I figured, that meant he hadn’t meant it as a question.

We ended up at the student bar, where he bought us stale beer, that I didn’t drink it. I will be good.

“How’s your holiday been?” I ask, trying to be polite

“Spectacular. Anyway, word to the wise” Ben drops his voice and mutters out the side of his mouth “Jase, scored some of this new plant that everyone’s doing. Trip your eyeballs out, so they say. You game?”

Oh bloody hell. This was not being good. Do not do this Harry. “Er, you know what. Enjoy yourself without me, not really my thing” I jump up from the table, get out of here, my brain is screaming.

“Oh come on, if you’ve never tried it, you’ll never know” Ben’s giving me, his come hither eyes, funny how they do nothing for me now. He’s also nudging Jason.

“Nah, sorry” I turn to leave, but Jason bumps my arm.

“Here” he grunts and shoves a small paper bag into my hands.

“Er, thanks” I practically run to the loos and apparate back home.

  
How did a shopping trip end in such a failure? Not only did I not get the powder, I also nearly ended up taking drugs. Nope, even I was not that stupid. I opened the bag, I’d been handed. Inside was what appeared to be shriveled leaves, dark in colour but with silver veins, they looked and smelled, eww, like potions ingredients.

Yeah, I could take a pass on that. I shoved the bag in a kitchen drawer, I’d give it back to him next time I saw him.

 

That night, I found myself tossing and turning. I hated sleeping in a room alone. I think I’d drifted off, when I woke it was dark and I was still alone. Except there were voices approaching me… no I was approaching them. I was walking down a muddy passage, plant roots were wriggling out of cracks in the mud walls and there was a glow ahead.

I followed the passage. I was… I recognised this place. Oh I was in the shrieking shack, this was odd.

There was a brutal snarling coming from in front. A trap, I had to get out, I turned to run. A monstrous shape lunged out of the darkness, knocking me down. I screamed, but all the air had already been knocked out of my body, I was pinned down, vicious teeth, snapped at my throat, and claws dug into my shoulders. I looked up to meet, the black eyes of a beast. I was going to die.

The vision lurched and flipped suddenly, I was still gazing into black eyes, but these were human, terrified human eyes in the face of a young man, with inky black hair and sharp features. Murder, I thought and though I was screaming at myself not to, my paw came tearing down and ripped the man’s throat out. Blood gushed everywhere, and the black eyes dimmed out.

I jerked up, off my pillow, throwing my hand across my mouth to prevent the contents of my stomach spilling out. Christ, that was horrible. I was shaking, it was so horrible. When would the dreams stop?

 

I trudged to university, having no energy to really be bothered to go but also dreading the prospect of spending the day in my apartment, alone.

I couldn’t tell you what the morning’s lecture was about. My notes consisted of the title and the date, then I gave up. At lunch, I thought I might as well go and tell Professor Vance the bad news.

“No worries, Harry. I appreciate that you tried” she told me, sympathetically, when I revealed that Snape wasn’t interested in the position. “Shame though. He’s always been a bit of an idol of mine”

Well maybe it wasn’t all bad that Snape wouldn’t work here, I could have just inadvertently set him up with the next love of his life. And that would be a bad thing, because…

“Well, hope you can find somebody else anyways” I smile at her, take one last big breath of potion’s fumes and head back to class.

Although there was probably very little point in my attending.

 

The first week passed in a daze, I obsessively crossed off the days on my calendar, one half of the cross in the morning, one night got through, and I'd finish off the cross before bed, another day over.

Ben came around once, one evening. He tried asking me what was wrong, I don’t think he really wanted to know. I shrugged, then he threw me down on the sofa. No, I don’t think he did want to know. I gave him a blow job, I don’t remember him coming, I assume he did, I doubt he’d have left if he didn’t. But he did leave, straight after. I was still on the sofa though, I should have probably gone to bed, but there was no one there to care if I did, so why should I bother?

 

The next week, I got a letter from Hermione. Hogwarts term good, snow cold, Ron doing amazingly at the Academy yatter yatter and Snape got accepted to Durmstrang. Fuck.

I screwed up the letter. Fuck him and his stupid death wish. For some reason, I headed into my kitchen. I found myself opening the drawer, I’d shoved the narcotic plant in.

I shouldn’t do this, I’m a sensible person, I knew this wasn’t safe, but then nobody need know. If nobody found out, then it would be like I hadn’t done it at all. I could 'trip', whatever that means, I think it meant, you would experience things that weren’t there. And what was there, right now, was not good, so surely something that was not there, would be better.

I transfigured some parchment into the thin white paper, I’d seen Jason use, then sprinkled some of the plant into it, so I could roll it into a kind of cigarette shape. Harry you are being an idiot, a voice warned me from the back of my mind. Nobody need know, I remind myself again, you can pretend it never happened. I lean forward and light the thing in the flames. It gives off a heady aroma. Here goes.

I feel floaty and nice. My throat burns from the horrible heat, but that soon fades away. The pretty flames dance in front of my eyes, swirling into patterns of people and places. I nestle into the hearth rug, that’s so much better. So relaxed. My eyes are fluttering, I’m not sure if I’ve just opened them or closed them.

I’m in a meadow, I’ve been here before, but this time it’s immense stretching out as far as I can see. The sun is bright in the sky, beating down on the grass, making it glow a vivid green.

Footfalls, come my way and I laugh, Snape, Snape is here, skipping along, robes billowing around. I laugh again, Snape’s skipping. Heading towards me, come here. I want him to be near me.

He gets closer, I hold my breath in anticipation, he’s here, here for me.

The world gets darker, the comforting rays leaving a chill in their place

A dark shape fills the sky, a shape aiming for the man in front of me.

No, no. But I can’t move, Snape is struck, goes down. He picks himself up, he tries to move forward again, tries to skip but he falters, his face twisting in pain.

He gets beaten to the ground again.

Snape! I yell but I have no voice here, I’m useless.

He’s valiantly trying to pick himself up, his body looking distorted now, his limbs hanging all wrong, his face battered and broken.

He staggers some more, so close to me. When the mallet hits again, he stays down. Twitching on the ground, I reach out to touch him, but the meadow falls away, the last thing I see is his glassy eyes, he wouldn’t get up again.

I gasp for breath, my heart felt as if it was beating too hard and erratically, I can’t breathe properly and I’m shaking. I pull myself up on the fireplace, stumbling and falling against it as I stagger to the bathroom before crashing to my knees and violently bringing up the contents of my stomach.

I feel light headed when I’m done, the world sways a bit, I rest my head on the toilet seat, but it’s not enough to stop the floor moving. I slump down onto the bathroom floor, with the last of my energy I roll onto my back, gazing up at the white ceiling and force myself to imagine myself, anywhere, but here. How have I fucked this up so badly? I shouldn’t be allowed to live by myself, I’m too stupid to be alone. I can’t handle loneliness.

I feel dirty. I drag myself into the bath and turn the shower on, still fully clothed. Curling up under the spray. I feel pathetic tears mix in with the shower water, how have I made such a mess of my life? My mum didn’t sacrifice herself for me to do this. I’m just selfishly wasting the gift she gave me.

I curled up under the water, so cold, whoops I forgot to spell the hot water on, oh well, just be cold. I lean my head against the tile, nice numbing cold.

 

Next thing I’m aware of there’s a sharp crack! Crap, was that apparition? I realise I’m gasping for air and shivering like nobody’s business. Oh well done Harry.

“Wah!” I stutter as a tiny green face peers over the bath side.

“Master, Sir?” oh phew, it’s just Kreature. What the bloody hell was he doing here? “Master, I have been alerted to your distress. What is endangering you now sir?”

I reach across and turn the hot water on, ah that’s better. “Nothing, just guess I got too cold” I shrugged, never knew your house elf could tell when you were in trouble, that was useful, or embarrassing like right now.

“You is doing this to yourself?” now he looks angry, he’s never really liked me much.

“Just a stupid mistake” I pull myself up off the floor and start dragging off my sodden clothes, aiming to have a proper shower.

“The other distress calls, you have been making?”

“Huh?”

“Kreacher is receiving distress calls very often” he places his tiny hands on his hips and glares at me

“Well how was I supposed to know, you never answered them anyway”

He draws himself up to his full, three foot of height, “Kreacher knows the house elf ways and he is answering these calls”

“Are you?” I’d not seen him for months, I’d left him in charge of Grimmauld in August and not been back since.

“If master is too inebriated to tell that Kreacher is there, doesn’t mean that Kreacher was not there”

Oh, I guess not.

“Master must stop what he is doing. The people at home, caring about him and worrying about him, he is selfish. Kreacher has had too many masters dying before their time. He will not suffer through another one”

“Erm, okay sorry” He offers one final glare and snaps out of the room. Oh crap, so much for being good and sorting my life out.

  
The next week, I did try harder. I managed about a paragraph of notes in each lecture. I bought myself some dreamless sleep to help stop the nightmares, not always effective but still better. The next time, Ben knocked, I told him I was busy and made him leave. I don’t know who was more shocked, me or him. Kreacher’s warning had struck home, I couldn’t just keep, apathetically, I finally looked it up, keep letting my life go down the toilet.

Whenever I felt something getting too much, I visited Professor Vance, Rachel, and helped clean out cauldrons, or re-stock the supplies or even mark the first year’s homework. I figured it was a healthier coping strategy than the other’s I’d tried, even if I spent the whole time in the potion’s rooms trying desperately not to think about Snape and at the same time being comforted by memories of him.

 

At the end of the third week, 65 days left, I reached into my owl mail box, as was my routine and pulled out two letters. One was Hermione’s reply to my letter, obvious from her tidy lettering. The other, I couldn’t place at first, the ink was quite faint and spidery, not very neat but still very consistent, every Y in my name and address, looped the same way, who’s writing was it?

I opened that letter first, sorry ‘Mione, but I knew whatever she'd have to say, wouldn’t be breaking news.

_Dear Mr Potter,_

_I hope this finds you in good health. Having taken the time to consider your offer of a place of abode, should I seek employment at the Salem Institute, I have decided I would like to accept. If this offer is still standing._

_I have contacted the Institute regarding the Master’s position and, if they are as in need as you say, I feel confident in my success and would ask, for a suitable time for my arrival._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Severus Snape_

I felt my heart stutter, then commence in double time. I scanned through the letter another few times, just in case I’d hallucinated what I wanted to see.

I felt so relieved, he wouldn’t be going to Bulgaria, he’d be safe, where no-one knew about the whole Death Eater spy thing. He could be happy here, I knew it. And I could make him happy. This was so amazing.

I tore into Hermione’s letter. Same old, same old. Snape maybe not going to Durmstrang, he hee, I already knew.

I quickly penned back a response to her, for the first time, not having to make up falsely chipper stuff. Then set about responding to Snape. I tried not to sound too enthusiastic, I didn’t want him to think I was too much of a Professor Snape cheer leader, but I also made it clear he was very welcome to come here whenever he liked and that no time would be too soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I was editing this, I noticed I kept switching between past and present tense for some unknown reason, which must make it really confusing to read. So if you noticed me doing that feel free to point it out.


	5. Chapter 5

Mmmh, so warm and comfy. Lovely duvet cocoon, I loved my self-imposed Monday morning lie-in. 

Thump, thump, thump.

“Potter, up!”

“g’way” it was too early for this.

“If your face does not appear in one minute, I am coming in”

Grrr, I wrapped the sheet around myself and flopped over to the door. “I have the morning off" I croaked around the door "can I go back to bed now?” why had I wanted this man to move in again?

“Would morning off be code for ‘Dueling technique, Master Baines, room 187’?”

“Where’d you get my timetable?” I countered. 

“Why are you not going to class?”

Damn it. “Baines never takes a register so I don’t really need to go”

“My apologies, I did not realise your ability to learn was contingent on the recording of your presence in the classroom”

Well, I knew when I was beaten. “Fine, I’ll get ready now”

“What a brilliant idea”

Stupid snarky, annoying git

“breakfast is on the table, better be quick”

“I don’t even eat..” I snapped back, oh he’d gone.

All Snape’d done since he’d moved in, that weekend, was make me do stuff. 'The washing up needs doing Potter', 'these books need sorting Mr Potter and no don’t use magic they are over a century old'. Well this stupid conversation feels over a century old, stupid, insufferable…. I glanced up and noticed my face pouting in the mirror. Maybe I was being a bit harsh, probably needed caffeine, or maybe a proper breakfast would actually have made me feel better.

When I made it downstairs, I had to do a double take at the table. Where’d all this food come from? Snape was casually sipping, what smelt like tea. I was pretty sure I’d ran out of tea bags about a month back. He glanced up and motioned at an empty plate for me to fill. I guess there was no harm in eating something.

“Where’d you find this food?”

“I believe it was in an establishment, commonly called a supermarket”

“Yeah but you only moved in, two days ago” I had to cover my mouth as I spoke, as I’d already filled it with eggs, but it tasted so good I couldn’t help it.

“And rather than sleep the afternoon away, like some, I chose to do something useful. I took the liberty of taking some of that American money from the pot by the door. I will, of course, pay you back my share”

I shrugged, he was broke, I had too much money for my own good “Don’t worry about it. If you’re willing to do the shopping for me, I’ll happily pay” and if he goes back maybe he could buy the purple floo powder Hermione kept bugging me to buy.

“And what great opposition do you hold against grocery shopping?”

Oh.  Good question, why did I dread shopping so much, or walking to class or heading out to collect packages from the owl depot? I shrugged again, it must have just been cos’ it was so boring. “Just not much fun”

“Do you ever actually leave this abode of yours?”

“Well of course, I _do_ go to class, most of the time” and.. and. Oh crap, there was no and, not since I’d started trying to become the invisible man around Ben and Jason.

He raised an eyebrow at me. Why did I always feel as if he knew exactly what was going on, even when I tried so hard to act normal around him?

Instead of apparating to the Institute, Snape requested that we walk. I squinted as we walked out into the sunlight, and tried to hide how horrified I suddenly felt, when I realised I hadn’t actually been outside since at least a week ago. I'd just been apparating between the school and my flat…. Oops, maybe I should've considered a career as a professional hermit crab.

 

Snape cast an appraising eye over the institute, I really couldn’t tell what he thought of the place but I thought it would suit him, it was definitely a substance over style kind of place, like the man himself. Once I’d showed him to the potions rooms, I awkwardly turned to leave,

“I can come by at half four, so we can go home”

“Do you not have class mates your own age to entertain yourself with after class?” was he teasing me? It might have been amusing if, the sad truth wasn’t, that I really didn’t have anyone my age, or other, to hang out with anymore.

As I left him, I heard Professor Vance, enthusiastically, greeting him. I wish I knew if she already had a boyfriend, would it be weird to ask?

 

The day dragged, I wondered how Snape was doing with his new students. Probably fine, knowing him, nothing fazed him.

At, 4:20 I hurried down from the defense rooms to the potion's corridor.

“Harry, I’m so glad I got a chance to speak to you. Thank you again for inviting Severus to come here” Vance greeted me, from where her and Snape were chatting in her classroom.

“That’s okay” I tried wiggling my toes, supposedly that prevented you blushing, not sure it worked though, I still felt my cheeks heat at the excessive praise.

“No really Harry, this has probably saved the whole department. We’ve already had offers of investment from the International Potion's Guild. You have no idea what a big deal this is”

Urgh, no I had no idea, cos’ I knew nothing about flipping potions, not like those two potions geniuses.

“Potter, I said I’d help Rachel work on adapting her antivenin potion, you might as well head home without me”

Oh.

“No, Harry stay if you want, you could help chop ingredients” Vance offered. 

Great, keep me far away from the actual potion, like the liability that I am.

“Nah, that’s alright. Snape’s right, no point me hanging around. See you at home”

I headed back into the corridor and apparated straight to my bedroom. Fine, so nothing had changed, still here alone, still got a whole evening to kill with nothing to kill it with. Fine it was all fine.

I made a start on my essay for magical creatures. _The best way to take on a lethifold_. Cast a patronus and run, how do I make that into a 3 foot essay?

A few hours later, I heard the front door open. Might as well go say hello, I thought, my brain needed a break from writing waffle anyway.

In the kitchen I found, not one, but two professors. Vance had decided to come to my home too, oh yay. 

“Harry. We were thinking of dining Italiano, want to join us?”

Ooh, how pretentious, but if she meant spaghetti, I loved that, so why not plaster on a fake smile and get a decent meal?

I ended up chopping onions, why they seemed intent on me chopping stuff so badly, I didn’t know.

“Mind if I go wash up?” Vance asked and Snape pointed her down the hallway to the bathroom. Just say you need the toilet for godsake woman.

“Whatever were you using for sustenance before I arrived? All I found in your cupboards was boxes of over-confectioned grains”

Huh? all I had was cereal, oh right, he can never talk like a normal person. “I happen to like cereal, I never got a chance to eat it before”

He raised his signature eyebrow, turning around, from where he was stirring a pot on the hob, so I continued, without thinking, “I used to fantasize about what it tasted like. Dudley had these ones that looked like mini cookies and then there were the colourful little hoops and the flakes that looked so caked in sugar they glistened under the light”

“Dudley? As in your cousin?”

I nodded, I guess he knew more about my family than I’d realised before I'd seen his penseive memory.

“And you did not satisfy your curiosity as a young boy? Surely you had access to the same food as your cousin”

Ha haa, as if. “Nope, I was lucky if I got a mouthful of any food for breakfast” I thought back to those times, sure I had been miserable, but at the time, I don’t think I actually realised that. Ah, sweet naivety. “I used to intentionally burn some of the eggs, I cooked for them, to the pan, so then before I washed it up, I could scrape it off and voila, breakfast!”

Oh shit, what did I just say? Snape was looking at me very weirdly now.

Then he sighed, “eggs were what I dreamed of as a child. It was cold potatoes from the night before, if anything, for breakfast”

What was he saying? “did your parents not let you eat either?”

He was looking right at me now, like he was looking right into my mind, it was scary and kind of a relief at the same time. I didn’t have to hide with him, there was no point, it wouldn’t have worked anyway, he saw everything.

“My mother, she tried her very best to see me fed. It was lack of finance that was our problem” then he looked straight into my eyes “that is why, now, I appreciate every chance I get to eat properly”

And now I felt like shit. We were both underfed as children, it seemed, which was a surprise to see we actually had stuff in common, but unlike me, he was grateful for his change in fortunes. While I was busy, acting the spoilt brat, wallowing in self-pity. _Oh what’s the point in eating well? nobody cares anyway._ I’m such an ungrateful brat.

I admire him so much, should I tell him, should I tell him I’ll try and change now and I appreciate him feeding me?

“Just got to get the sauce on now” Fuck. Vance strode back into the room and interrupted anything I was going to say. 

We chatted amiably over the dinner, damn it, why was Vance so nice? She was really easy to talk to and kind of funny in a dry way, like Snape. Well done Harry, the matchmaker extraordinaire. Why was she so fucking perfect? She was clever, unlike me, good at potions, unlike me, and was flipping gorgeous, young, well like late twenties. Blonde and so very curvy and feminine. The opposite of me, why couldn’t she have had a shitty personality, it just wasn’t fair.

Vance finally left, but any moment with Snape had gone. We did the washing up in silence and then I went up to bed. The unexpected socialising/pretending to be all chirpy and care free, was exhausting.

 

I was surrounded again, faces I loved looking down at me. The Weasley’s, Hermione, even my parents. All around, I should have been happy, there were people who cared, but they didn’t look happy with me.

“All your fault”

“Would be alive, without you”

“Should never been born”

“Our saviour? Hah. Better off if it had been someone else”

“Did you really save anyone? Not me. Not my saviour are you?” that was Fred’s voice, George glared at me.

I tried to beg their forgiveness, but they wouldn’t take notice.

“Wish it had been anyone but you. If you were truly our saviour, you should have died for us”

 

My face was wet, my pillow was wet. Pillow? Oh it was just a dream.

Ah! There was someone here still.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I never meant for anyone to die, I would have died too, I promise I tried to, I meant to” oh god, I was sobbing so hard I thought I’d throw up, trying to get them to listen.

“Shush, Harry” there were comforting arms around me, a soft, deep voice in my ear “it’s not real Harry, I’m here”

I clung to that. Another warm body, hands on my back, holding me, grounding me, back into reality. Not a dream. They didn’t hate me, they didn’t blame me, please say they didn’t blame me.

“It’s okay now, I’m here”

He’s here, here for me, he cares. I burrowed into his hard, strong chest, so broad and solid. I rested my head and there was a comforting thud. His heartbeat, so alive and real. Time passed, probably not that long, but enough for my mind to shake the nightmare and return to reality. The reality in which I was practicality hugging Snape.

His hand was running up and down the small of my back, his head resting on top of mine. I never wanted to move, it felt so safe and reassuring. Somebody didn’t hate me, nobody could hate me and hold me like this. I felt as if I’d been drowning and now I'd been given air.

“Harry, Harry. You’re okay” he rumbled at me, I felt the vibrations in his chest, so manly.

“I know, thank you” he pulled back to look at me, damn it, I wish he wouldn’t move away “just a nightmare, happens a lot” I explained. 

“I understand. The war left its scars on us all” I wanted to sob at that, I wasn’t the only one, I wasn’t alone in this. “Have you tried dreamless sleep?”

“I take it, every other day. I know it’s bad to take every night”

“I’ll give you some restful sleep to take on alternate nights, it may help”

I nodded, not wanting to voice my feelings about what I knew would help even more, him holding me, like that, every night.

 

The week passed by. I tried to spend as much time as possible with Snape, I felt so safe and happy around him, like I could just be myself and not have to act, I felt as comfortable as I did around him as I did around Ron and Hermione. But then there was always Vance, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like her, how could you not, she was charming and funny and warm. But fuck her, that meant Snape liked her too.

I was definitely enjoying the food I was getting, I forgot that vegetables actually tasted nice, if cooked properly. I hadn’t eaten fries all week.

The next Monday, I trotted downstairs, surprised at my motivation to get up, but I was starving. A few rashers of bacon, maybe a sausage and a great mound of egg on toast would have been great, then milky coffee or tea, whatever Snape had left. Wait something was missing. There were no hot, greasy smells from the kitchen, was Snape ill?

When I reached the kitchen, there was no food cooked, no hot beverage waiting. Nothing, just a piece of paper.

_I prefer my eggs scrambled, tea black._

Looked as if I would be making breakfast then, cheers Snape. I guess it was only fair.

I cooked all of that week, I'd forgotten I actually didn’t mind cooking, especially when I got to eat it afterwards. I loved spending time with Snape, more and more. He appreciated when I cooked food, actually using the words thank and you. And even sitting, together, in silence was so much better than sitting by myself all evening. I realised, on the nights, I set a fire in the grate, he’d remove his robes and wear just a shirt. Which was, you know… good. All in all, life was looking up. 

On Friday, Professor Slutty, oh I mean Vance, or ‘Rachel’ as Snape frigging called her, came round. But she did come bearing wine and I hadn’t drunk in forever, or since last week, but hey that felt like forever. I went to bed feeling so light and floaty, lovely, disgusting red wine.

 

I felt so good, my whole body was tingling, pleasure racing through my veins. I felt my breath get shorter and I was hot all over. The pressure was building lower and lower, like being fucked but better than I’d ever been fucked before. 

Oh fuck yeah, I think I was yelling in absolute bliss. Someone was on top of me, in me and felt huge, “yes, yes, yes” I chanted as I was plundered over and over, in and out of me. My dick felt like a rock between our bodies, pulsing with blood, my balls so full, just waiting for release. The pressure coiling and building in my gut as sweet pleasure assaulted my senses.  

I looked up, dark eyes gazed into mine.  He was thrusting back and forth, above me, his body so strong, his eyes so intense, gazing, gazing only at me…. Oh oh fuck! My orgasm washed over me and I shuddered in relief as the pressure was released.

Blinking my eyes open and glancing around, I sighed in disappointment to find myself alone. Damn, just a dream. I pulled myself up and searched for my wand, I was feeling disgustingly sticky and disappointingly unfucked, would that dream ever come true? Did I want it to?

Would Snape ever want me like that, even if I wanted him? Was it a fools dream? He was definitely in love with my mother, therefore probably straight, then he kind of obviously fancied Rachel, what straight guy wouldn’t, why would he want me? But if he did, oh gods imagine having sex with Snape, all that intellectual, penetrating focus, just on me, fucking hell that was hot.

With thoughts of that, I abandoned my search for my wand and reached for the dildo, I’d sneakily owl ordered, and some lube. Planning to recreate the delightful dream.  If I couldn’t have the real thing, I had my filthy imagination, maybe that was even better. At least that’s what I tried to convince myself as I impaled myself on the plastic rod. It felt good, of course it did, but not as good as the real thing. I needed to get laid.

 

On Wednesday afternoon, Snape and I both had free time. We ended up in the Institute’s library. Once Snape had humiliated me by demanding to see my pitifully average grades, I decided I needed to put more effort into my assignments. Not really cos’ I cared that much about how I did, nobody cared about what grade ‘Harry Potter’ got, I'd have a job guaranteed at home. Big-headed but true. But it was humiliating having Snape tut tut, over the 55% I got in everything, with the comments ‘good effort, however…’.

I’d spent an entire two hours on half of the essay on how to ward an area with no physical walls, when a person cleared his throat behind us, at first I ignored it, I didn’t know anybody here it couldn’t’ have been to get my attention.

 “Ah, Potter. Mr Stressemann here is the captain of the Salem Institute's quidditch team. If he's here, I may as well make the introductions”

I turned, to see a strapping young man hovering behind our table.

“Hi, I’m Riley. Like the professor said, Quidditch captain and this is Kate”

A lanky girl ducked around Riley’s form and stuck her hand out for me.

“Co-captain. I’m the chaser, he’s keeper”

I shook her hand, “er, hi”

“If you’re interested in joining we have try-outs this weekend, our seeker just transferred away so, you know” Riley informed me.

Well this was a huge coincidence. “Sure, maybe I’ll be there” what the hell, if they needed someone, maybe I could try-out, not like I had much else to do.

“Great, we appreciate anyone with talent” Kate patted me on the shoulder, and they turned to leave.

“You teach them?” I asked Snape, wondering why they approached us.

“I’m acquainted with them, yes” he nodded. How did he just randomly know the quidditch captain, after being here barely two weeks? Oh well, I guess that comes from actually interacting with people and not running back home every chance, you get.

 

So, that Saturday, I tried out, and, I got the place as seeker. I caught the snitch 9 out of the 10 times it was released. The girl that beat me the one time, was made reserve. Yay for me, I’m good at catching small, flying, objects. That’s definitely a life skill to be proud of… not.

Afterwards, we all went out for burritos, whatever they were. They turned out to be spicey and kind of textureless. It was actually a really nice afternoon, until I got home.

The sound of laughter met me from the living room. 'Rachel' and Snape were bent over something, both of them laughing. I’d never heard Snape sound so happy and carefree, laughing like that he sounded so young. The only laughter I got out of him was a sarcastic huff, now and then.

They glanced up as I trudged by.

“Your quidditch trial was a success?” Snape asked

“Yup, say hello to the new Salem Seeker” I smiled, forcing my cheeks not to twitch with the forced effort.

“Congratulations, knew you could do it after Severus told me about your escapades at Hogwarts”

“Mmm” I pushed that smile again, Severus now, was it?

“Harry, everything okay” Snape stood up and made to approach me.

“mmm, great. Shower” I turned away from his searching gaze. Damn him for always seeing the lie, and then I stepped quickly into the bathroom, not letting myself look back, my face would have said too much. I could not let him see I was jealous, that was too humiliating.

 

Later, when I dared emerge from my room to get a drink, I tried to sneak downstairs as silently as I could.  I could not trust myself to hide how much I was hurt at him so easily getting on with 'Rachel' and how much it made my stomach drop when I thought about how much alone time they’d shared today. They could be practically dating by now, oh gods that made my insides seem to freeze, what if they ended up dating and then Snape would move in with her and it would all be my fault for bringing him here.

I stood in the kitchen, gulping down a glass of water, trying to be quick about it. But, oh fuck, there were footsteps.

The rest of the apartment was so silent, he approached slowly, the dim light from the hallway infiltrated the kitchen, casting a surreal glow to the room.

He came closer and closer, it was almost dream like. He was right in front of me, he raised his arm, his hand moving closer to my face until, ever so slowly his hand molded to my cheek, the fingers almost caressing. I was sure this was not a dream, please don't have been a dream. My heart was thumping so wildly, he was going to kiss me, he had to, so close to me, so caring. He wanted me, over her?

One of the fingers, of the hand on my face, moved up, towards my eye. Then he was pulling down my eyelid and peering even more intently at me. What the fuck?

“You’re anaemic. I will brew you a potion”

He dropped his hand and stepped away before leaving the room. My face felt bereft of the touch, and I felt the wash of disappointment. He didn’t care, he didn’t want me. Why did that hurt so much? He’d never given any indication of wanting me before. But when he’d touched me, so gently, with so much care in his expression. I’d felt so much happiness, it’d never felt like that when Ben had touched me, or even Charlie. Shit, I wasn’t falling for him, I didn’t have feelings for the man, did I? That was so fucking, fucked up. No, I was just missing regular sex, that was why I craved the man touching me.

 

The next morning/afternoon, when I, finally, made my way downstairs, low and behold Vance was there.

“We were thinking of going down by the quay, some of the barnacles make useful potion's ingredients, could always use an extra pair of hands?” ‘Rachel’ asked as I entered the kitchen. 

Erm, let me think, the afternoon alone, here, or as a third wheel at the beach, ooh what to choose?

“Thanks, but the quidditch team were thinking of going out later, thought I better get to know the team, sorry” not sorry.

Snape offered me a look, of what I think was approval. So, he wanted to be alone for his date? Great, good for him.

They went away and I lay on the sofa. At five o’clock, I figured it was acceptable to start drinking, it wasn’t as if Snape and his ‘wife’ were back to see anyway.

Riley had said that anyone interested in the Quidditch club outing, could meet them at the pub at 9. I took a bath, bottle of left over wine in hand. Then dressed slowly, it was a bit past 8, so, I wandered down to the pub, slowly. No sign of Snape or ‘Rachel’ had appeared at home, they'd probably gone out for a candlelit dinner together. Maybe they'd ask me to be ring bearer at the wedding. Urgh I hated my life. 

The pub was more fun than I expected, more so than going out with Ben or Lyndsey used to be.  I drank and chatted about quidditch, apparently I’m now a big Fitchburg Finches fan, oh well why can’t I be? Something to talk about at least. 

As it got later, half our group decided to go home, the other half decided clubbing was in order. We ended up in a place I’d never been before, something to do with a star and pentagon, I didn’t really know. The others found a booth to sit in and we shared a pitcher of some noxious concoction. Nobody seemed that interested in dancing though, screw it, it looked tempting to lose myself in the writhing mass of bodies.

“Harry?” Kate asked, as I got up.

“Just, toilet” I told her, before shoving into the center of the dance floor.

It was so hot, and loud, no room to think in there. I didn’t even need to bother to dance, I was buffeted too much by the other bodies. Nobody cared there, I was as good as invisible. Everybody too preoccupied, striving for something else, other than the sweaty mess we created in the room. We were all looking for something more. But guess what, what I was slowly figuring out was, there was nothing to find, but by the time you'd figure that out, it was too late. You were in too deep. I couldn’t’ help but laugh, all of us pathetic, drunk dancers, were stuck. Sharing solidarity in desperation.

The bass line of the song picked up, forcing my heart to beat to it, I succumbed my control to it happily, another thing I didn’t have to think about. Someone was at my back, shoving up against me, deliberately I gathered, as I felt lips brushed my ear. He thought he’d found what he was looking for. I laughed again, he was wrong.

He stopped moving, so I turned to look. Oops, I was just giggling at nothing, oh well.

“Freak” he hissed in my ear. I bent over, laughing harder, how did he know? Shit, more people were looking at me, I couldn’t stop laughing now. Maybe I should've gotten myself home. I stumbled to the loos and apparated to my bedroom, but somehow ended up on the kitchen table. Ha, at least I wasn’t splinched, I quickly patted myself down, nothing seemed to be missing, imagine if I’d have left my elbows behind. He, hee. I’d have looked so stupid…

“Ah. Snape! Shit you scared me. Whadyadoing?”. Hovering in the doorway like some kind of ghoul, he was gonna give me a heart attack.

“Harry, you weren’t here, I didn’t know where you’d gone”

“Said, going out”

“'Going out' gave no indication, that you might not return until three, no four in the morning”

Christ, was it that late? “Sozbies, went club” oh I was tired, I let out a big yawn. You know what the kitchen table was kind of comfy, just lean my head on whatever that was and oh, go to sleep.

 

“Potter, Potter!”

Ah my head, too noisy. “Wa?”

“Wake up, please”

What was he in a tizzy about? His voice never normally sounded that screechy.

“Harry?”

“What? sleepy” ow, my head.

“You cannot possibly sleep on the table”

I feel hands pull at my shoulders, dragging me, not comfy, “getoff” I swat at the hands trying to drag at me, just want to sleep.

There’s more dragging, then my body is shifted and I sway. Urgh, feel sick.

“Don’t you dare, Potter”

My world keeps swaying, then there’s softness. Hands, gently roll me on my side, even more comfy now. Mmh sleep.

 

I woke up to a hippogriff stamping on my head. Shit, ow. I slitted my eyes open, the view of my bedside table swam across my consciousness, a bowl with a flannel hanging off it, and yes! A lovely deep green potion. Hangover cure, I loved Snape.

After 10 minutes, I felt human again, and then the regret hit. Snape had seen me raging drunk, what had I said? I could barely remember. Knowing me, I’d have made a fool out of myself. What with the erotic dreams about the man and my attempts to get him alone and oh, as undressed as possible, I could have admitted anything. Oh crap.

I spent the rest of the morning avoiding the inevitable confrontation. Snape had spent his other Sunday’s at home, reading his potion’s journals, that meant the second I went downstairs he’d be there.

I tiptoed down, my breath held for the inevitable telling off. However, I was in for a surprise. Snape was indeed downstairs, potion's journal in hand, but he did not look up for a shouting match. The only way I could describe his expression was sad. No anger, no condescension not a hint of chastisement.

“Hey” I said, more in question than greeting, maybe Rachel had dumped him. Yay. No, bad Harry.

“Harry” he said, monotone, giving nothing away “You took the potion?”

He probably already knew I had, seen as I wasn’t clutching my head in agony and vomiting everywhere, “yes, thank you”.

 I turned to head into the kitchen, coffee would’ve been good.

“Harry, is it something I did?”

That brought me up short, he sounded so…. So forlorn, “was what?”

“The fact you felt the need to intoxicate yourself? Have I upset you?” he mumbled incoherently afterwards, something supposed to help, he maybe said.

“I just went out with my friends, drank too much” fake smile time, oh fuck, forgot that doesn’t work in him.

“Am I making things worse?”

“Making what worse?”

“I…” Well, I’d never seen him lost for words before, “next time you feel the need to do that to yourself, please” his eyes bore into mine again, “please, talk to me first”

I nodded, I had no choice. But then, last night he hadn’t even been there for me to talk to, “If you’re not already busy with ‘Rachel’”

“You are not. You cannot be jealous?”

Crap “Of Professor Vance? no” I attempted to scoff. Jealous of the beautiful woman that takes up all of his attention? Never.

“Potter, you don't think there's something going on there? She is happily bonded, after all”

“She doesn’t wear a ring” I started to feel just a bit of an idiot. 

“Neither do a lot of wizards and witches”

“She’s never mentioned her husband”

“Wife actually. Professor Keller”

Keller? “but, she’s… she’s a she!”

“I thought, of all people, you’d be aware that people of the same sex can, shall we say, be more than just friends”

“Oh right”. Yep felt like a complete idiot now. Rachel was gay. I never even considered that, I was such an idiot.

He still looked so stressed, that was my fault. “Sorry, I guess maybe I was… not jealous, but you know, I felt left out that you spent so much time without me” I sounded like such a loser “seenasIknewyoufirst” I mumbled, hopefully too quickly for him to understand.

“You were invited to join us, if you recall, and not out of pity. She likes you and, I..”

“Well, I thought I’d be interrupting your ‘date’” I made bunny, quotation marks. Then he laughed. Finally, that maudlin look was gone from his features.

“Potter, you need to learn how to communicate. If you had just have asked”

“Yeah, yeah. I know” I couldn’t be bothered with the telling off, he wasn’t mad anymore, that’s all I wanted.

 

The next couple of weeks passed with more ease. I saw the relationship between Snape and Rachel for what it was, friendship. And training for quidditch took up all of those, scary moments where I’d normally be left to my own devices. I even got a 70% for my warding essay, I left it on the kitchen table ‘by accident’ just in case Snape happened to see it.

None of that stopped the dreams I had about shagging Snape. I had been smushed into the mattress, bent in two and folded over the couch on several occasions, none of which were real of course. Lusting after a straight man was, to be honest, completely humiliating, I really needed to get laid.

The next weekend the quidditch team invited me out, I decided to go. Before I left, I promised Snape, to not drink excessively, whatever that actually meant, and headed out.

Without drinking alcohol, dancing was hard, I doubted I had a natural sense of rhythm. I lent against the bar instead, nodding along to the music. Probably looked like a right wally. Or apparently not.

“Hi” random bloke said.

“Hi” I replied, he was alright looking, less built than Ben had been but still tall, dark hair, dark eyes. Guess he'd do. “I’m Harry”

“Neil. Want a drink?”

“Just water, thanks” did he look disappointed, that was all I wanted to drink? “already a bit wasted” I lied.

“Sure thing then”

So that was the rule, you had to be sozzled to possibly be interested in another person, if I wasn’t a part of it, I’d be disgusted by young people’s attitudes nowadays.

I drank water, he drank… something and gradually we got closer.

“Want to dance?” he asked.

Honesty was usually the best policy, “no” I answered and grabbed his arm, pulling him against me. Who cares, I’d probably never see the bloke again, and he wasn't the one I really wanted, I couldn't have him, so screw it, I'd pretend.

I pushed my lips against his, whatever he was drinking tasted strong, I licked away the drink from his mouth to get to the musky, masculine taste.

“I would ask you back to mine, but I’m sofa surfing at the moment, I'm not from here”

Perfect never have to see him again. Oh fuck that meant my place, oh well, I knew silencing charms.

“My place is fine” I formed the words around his insistent lips.

 

We got back to the apartment, I threw a silencing spell at the stairs and walked into the kitchen, planning on grabbing a glass of water. When I reached the counter, I felt hand at my hips, one hand reached around to the zip on my jeans, the other started to push them down, over my ass.

My jeans were tugged down and my cock grasped. Looked as if this was happening in the kitchen then.

I heard a zip behind me and then, I was shoved forward and something slippery was pressed against my hole. And who said the romance was dead?

I pressed my palms flat against the worktop as Niall?... what’s-his-name worked behind me. I closed my eyes, trying to impose my dreams on top of the actual feelings. Snape behind me, Snape, no Severus behind me, his breath hot on my neck, his thick length, forcing me forwards as I pushed my arse back against him as he pounded up into me, trying to get it deeper, to touch that spot I needed, oh god, yes, my head fell back against his shoulder, my eyes scrunched shut, this felt so fucking good, just what I needed.

“Oh, Sev”

Shit, I forced my eyes open, I’d gotten too lost in the fantasy, nearly calling out the wrong name, and his name was definitely not Sev anything, it had begun with N, maybe M? I made my eyes focus on what was in front of me, I couldn’t get that distracted again.

My eyes shifted to the wall. Oh my fucking gods. Snape was frozen in the doorway. I blinked, trying to clear the image. Nope he was definitely still there.

“Nigel stop”

“Neil” he grunted. I was still, mortifyingly, being pounded against the counter.

“Neil stop” there was panic in my voice. I shifted away, as he hadn't seemed to notice that we were watched.

“Snape?” I ask, cautiously. He was still standing there, until he wasn't. He'd spun away and very close to flew back up the stairs. Fucking hell.

“What’s the problem?” Nigel asked me.

“He, he. I. We. Sorry” He reached out to touch my arse and I flung myself out of the way. Urgh, how had I let him touch me? I didn’t want him anymore. “I’m sorry, I think you should leave”

“Come on tease” he reached to touch me again. No. I didn’t bother with my wand, I just knew I could get him out, I wanted him out. I didn’t even think the incantation of a banishing spell, I just wanted him gone and the next second he was being flung out the door.

Eww, eww, oh gods. I needed a shower.

 

The next morning, Sunday. There was no sign of Snape, except a hangover cure on the table. He hadn’t gone out on any of the other Sundays. Oh crap, he was probably disgusted by me, that was even worse than the disgust I felt towards myself. 

I hung around in the living room all morning. Finally, about 2 in the afternoon, there was a noise at the door.

As Snape passed through, he gave me a dismissive nod and set foot on the first step.

“No, Snape. Wait please” I needed to know what he was thinking. He took his foot off the stair and moved into the room, he still kept his distance though.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that last night. Not in a room that is for us to share, that was not very thoughtful of me”

“The man, who is he?”

Why did he care? I didn’t. “What Niall? Just some guy”

“I believe he said Neil”

“Er yeah maybe” Neil, Niall, Nigel? Who gives a crap?

“You don’t even know his name?”

“Er” what did he want me to say? There are a lot of names beginning with N.

Now he was looking at me with such contempt. “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again” all I could think to do was apologise.

He shook his head, and spun to leave again. He hadn't looked at me like that since, since he was my teacher and he hated me. 

I felt tears prick at my eyes, he hated me again, I disgusted him. What if he left now? I didn’t want him to go.

I whimpered, pressing my hands over my mouth to hold in my sobs.

“Don’t leave me alone again” I choked out. I stumbled into the bathroom and locked the door, physically and then with magic.

I stared at my reflection above the sink and witnessed as my face crumpled and the tears leaked out of my eyes. How did this happen, I was falling for a straight man who was in love with my mother. Congratulations Harry, I guess this was what rock bottom felt like. 

 

I let myself have about half an hour of self-pity before I forced myself to wash my face and get ready to face the world.

I had essays to write and probably was due a letter to Hermione. Just because I’d ruined any chance of any relationship with Snape, didn’t mean the rest of my life was over.

I set myself up to write in the living room, preparing myself for the sight of Snape heading out the door with his packed trunk. What I wasn’t prepared for was a throat being cleared, before a trunk-free Snape came into the living room.

I looked up, willing myself not to cry again when the bad news came.

“Potter. Harry”

Did he look nervous? no, probably not, just kind of blank. At least he didn’t look as if he hated me right then.

“There are very few ingredients to rustle up a decent meal with, it would seem a sensible idea to, perhaps, get dinner elsewhere this evening”

He wanted to go out for food? He wasn’t moving out, he didn’t hate me? Oh good gods, I was more relieved than when I realised I hadn’t died killing Voldemort, “yeah sure” I quickly agreed.

“Really?” he was giving me a very un-Snape like expression, nearly gawping, just for a second until his face neutralised “I shall be ready in 20 minutes, if you are amenable”

“Yep” thank the gods, he hadn’t left, things were back to normal, he'd forgiven me.

Before we headed out, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. That was odd, there was tonnes of left over pasta in there. Maybe I should’ve told Snape we didn’t have to go out, after all, but then I didn’t want to waste an opportunity to spend time with him, alone.

“I am ready” Snape called from the doorway.

“Yep, me too” I shoved the tubs of pasta to the back of the fridge and went to follow him out the door.

 


End file.
